I dont know whats wrong with me lately that I feel everything way more personal. I dont even know where to start this without sounding mean or childish, anyway.
So my sister is getting married, her relationship is complicated because its not an usual story, so most of the people judges them, including my grandma and aunts. He is 20 years older and divorced, but he is a nice person, they look very happy together but...
At first I really tried and gave myself the oportunity to meet him, he is nice. But I started getting mad, Im mad that my mom adores him when she was so angry and scared when they started going out. When I say adore, I mean it, like the other day she almost jumped out of the couch because she heard they arrived, and most of the time she is talking to them. She has a group conversation with my sister and him...
There was a time where my mom would literally only talk about them, we could be in the car just the 2 of us and the conversation (she would do the talking, I only listened) would be about them.
And now he is kind of annoying because is literally one of those persons who "can do anything", like Icould be talking about fishing or violin or Africa, and he would know someone of he did somthing about that too, at first I didnt care, but its getting annoying, because he literally can do anything, everything is easy and he knows about everything. He has to be ALWAYS in the conversation, he wouldnt let someone talk without saying his opinion or comment too.
And he is 23/7 in my house. 24 would be too much... So most of the time I cant be in pijamas or without bra and go to the kitchen because he is coming.
Also like 2 months ago I was at a party, it was the party of a friend of my boyfriend Joao, and most of their friend were in middle school with me, and the daugther of him its my age and was in my generation... So they were gossiping about middle school rumors and somebody say "heyyy did you guys knew that the father of ------ is getting married with a very young woman????" I froze, I wanted to cry and to scream and to blame my sister, then I just heard voices saying like yesss, I heard... blablablabla, my head was spinning around and I was thinking please dont cry. Then a friend of my boyfriend said "hey, its her sister" he said it so they would shut up, but at that moment I felt really ashamed of that.
Adding that to the past months, I have a job as a auxiliary teacher in a really good school, I have good grades at collage, Im in paint and violin classes I payed for them, Im in a group that makes retreats for kids, my boyfriend is the most amaizing person with also a good job and good grades.
But recently I feel like everyone is against me, I feel like my mother doesnt love me anymore, or at least not like she did, I feel like she is ashamed of me I dont know why.
I feel really sad, because she is my mom I love her, but what did I do? I feel like everyone in this house is against me, and I dont know why, I really wish what I am doing wrong, I really wish I could tell my mom how I feel, how she makes me feel... But I cant and I wont because I know it would hurt her, so I keep it to myself even it hurts me. It hurts me knowing my mom would never love my boyfriend as much as she loves him, even I really feel he deserves it more. I hope when I get married my mom gets as excited as she is with my sister.
The father of my boyfriend said I was the daugther in law ideal, I felt really special when he told me that because I know my mother would never talk about me like that, I know she doesnt think that of me or Joao (even thought I dont know why because he is really unique, special and wonderful) I really wish she could treat him like she treats him, I wish for once she could feel proud of me, because even when way before this, my mother would only talk about my brother and his planes and my sister and the voulnteer she did.
I really wish with all my heart she could be proud of me, not only say it like all mothers say you look beautiful. I really wish I was better for her, just like for me she is the best mom... :(
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Cuando lo tenía no lo aproveche, ahora que no lo tengo, lo necesito.
No, no estoy hablando de ningún hombre, tengo al hombre perfecto a mi lado. Estoy hablando de algo estúpido y materialista llamado dinero. Algo que muy pocos tienen que se llama oportunidad de estudiar. La mayor parte de mi vida hasta secundaria vivimos en un nivel socioeconomico medio - alto. La crisis llego a mi familia en el 2007, pero me afecto en el 2009, cuando salí de secundaria y todos mis amigos irían a la preparatoria en la que yo siempre quise estar, en la que mis hermanos mayores estuvieron. Fui a una preparatoria privada también donde no conocía a nadie e hice excelentes amigos. Empiezo carrera, no me gusto, me cambie de universidad y de carrera. Amo mi carrera, me gustan mis clases y me apasiona en lo que se que voy a trabajar. Sigue siendo una universidad privada, porque la publica no da la carrera que quiero. La crisis en mi familia esta cada vez peor, y por peor me refiero a las expresiones que pone mi papá cuando se necesita un gasto. Actualmente tengo buenas calificaciones, promedio arriba de 9. Necesito beca, la única beca o apoyo que me puede dar mi escuela es una beca académica, necesito promedio de 9.5.
Me gustaría poder ir con las personas que tienen dinero extra, que van y compran exámenes, que no van a clases y son compradores compulsivos de extraordinarios, me gustaría ir con esas personas que no aprovechan lo que tienen, esas personas que eran como yo, y decirles que me den el lugar que ellos tienen. Estoy segura que no soy la única, estoy segura que en todo México, en el mundo, hay personas que anhelan estudiar, que anhelarían aunque fuera acabar la carrera en 6 años. Me gustaría que los que estudien fueran los que realmente lo merecen y tienen ganas, los que se comprometan a echarle ganas.
Me gustaría muchísimo regresar a ese tiempo cuando estaba en primaria o secundaria, y tener mejores calificaciones, me gustaría volver a prepa y subir mi promedio. No aproveche las oportunidades que tenía, porque como cualquier "joven" o "adolescente" vas a la escuela a socializar, a hacer "desmadre", a volarte clases para ir por tacos... ah y también si te queda tiempo vas a estudiar, para que el dinero que tus papas con esfuerzo pagan valgan la pena. Si pudiera regresar el tiempo me diría a mi misma, "échale ganas, que el promedio que tengas ahorita te puede servir después". Porque ahora que amo lo que estudio, que doy lo mejor de mi, que tengo un buen promedio, no es suficiente para una beca, incluso aun cuando la necesito mas que nunca.
Me gustaría poder ir con las personas que tienen dinero extra, que van y compran exámenes, que no van a clases y son compradores compulsivos de extraordinarios, me gustaría ir con esas personas que no aprovechan lo que tienen, esas personas que eran como yo, y decirles que me den el lugar que ellos tienen. Estoy segura que no soy la única, estoy segura que en todo México, en el mundo, hay personas que anhelan estudiar, que anhelarían aunque fuera acabar la carrera en 6 años. Me gustaría que los que estudien fueran los que realmente lo merecen y tienen ganas, los que se comprometan a echarle ganas.
Me gustaría poder ir a hablar con el rector y decirle que el me dijo "no le vamos a negar la oportunidad de estudiar a alguien que lo merece" y que creo firmemente que lo merezco, que no tengo ese promedio de 9.5, pero tengo ese promedio de 9.3 y que quiero mas que nunca seguir estudiando, y seguir mejorando, seguir avanzando. No quiero seguir metiendo media carga de materias, porque no quiero acabar en 6 años, cuando el plan por tetras es para que lo acabes en 3. No porque tenga prisa, si no porque tengo tantos sueños, metas y ganas de empezar, porque si Dios quiere también quiero estudiar una maestría. Solo quiero estudiar. No quiero ir a socializar, no quiero ir por tacos o un licuado, no quiero ir a platicar. QUIERO ESTUDIAR. Realmente solo quiero, seguir estudiando.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
A sad and marvelous mystery
I just finished reading a book I really loved, the book was "The fault in our stars" New York times best seller by John Green. I bought it because I saw a lot of posts in tumblr saying it was the book of the year, and the best book they have ever read. I had no idea what it was about when I bought it. When I read the first page I knew I would love it, I won't say much about it, just that it was a story about 2 teenagers fighting cancer who fell in love. I cried a lot while reading it, because it's a romantic but sad book. I finished 3 hours ago, and when I finished I was thinking a lot.
I thought about all those people who live in fear of dying, people who are sick and they don't know if they will wake up or return from a trip. It must be terrifying knowing your life could end in any second, it must be scary to know you might die, and you might not have done all the things you wanted, or have told the people you love that you do, or have flown in a plane, or get married, or hold your kids hand. I thought about all the sick people's loved ones, it must be a torture see them leaving even to a convenience store, and not knowing what might happen. It must be a joy see them coming back, even if they left for only 3 hours. It must be really painful knowing you will die and you can't do anything about it, and knowing someone you love will die and also you can't fucking do anything about it. Just wait. Just waiting. Just enjoying the last hours or days or months left, because you never know.
A war is about to start or already started in Siria, there are more fighting and wars in other countries, and sadly there will be more. It must be really scary living in a place when a bomb might drop in your house while you're sleeping, in your school while you're in class. It must be really scary knowing someone you love that lives in a place in war. It must be really painful seeing your dad, or brother, or boyfriend, or husband, or even mom, going away for a war. You don't know if they won't come back, and sure you know there is a possibility, there's a chance they won't make it for your next birthday or the next Christmas.
It must be sad being constantly reminding them how much they mean to you, because you don't know if you will be able to say it again. Not because you have to do it, but because you just want to say it 1000 times before it's too late.
I was thinking about these things when I realized something. You don't need to be really sick, or in a war zone to die. You don't need to have someone close to you really sick, or in a war zone, to attend their funeral.
You never know if they might be driving next to a drunk driver, you never know if the convenience store they went to, was being robbed and they got shot, you never know if they had a heart attack, you never know if these things might happen to you too.
We as humans are constantly trusting other people, people we don't know. You trust the other drivers they won't do something stupid, and you drive with other cars, with people you don't know or even see. You trust to cross the street when the light is red, because you're trusting they know that they can't keep going. You trust the pilot in your plane. You trust that the food you just bought won't kill you, because you trust that they have checked it before putting it in there, even though you don't see the people that did that, you trust them. You trust that the school your kids are, have good teachers, that won't let them get hurt, or run away, even though you don't see these teachers outside of school or you don't know the preparation they had you trust them your most valuable treasures. You trust the architect that made your house that it won't fall down, even though he's not the one doing it, it's their workers. And you trust those workers in every building you go to, even it is a old building or a new one, you decided to trust them the moment you stepped in there.
I'm not trying to say, "don't trust anyone, live in a cave, but don't trust the cave". I'm saying people don't realize this, and people fear losing their loved ones when they see the danger close, when it is really happening all the time, in any moment. It could happen at any moment at any time, to you, to your loved ones, to a old man in Singapur, to a young lady in Italy, to a couple in Paris or to a kid in Chile. It could happen a September 11 in the world trade center while you're in a meeting. Or it could happen in Monterrey in a Casino, while you're gambling.
My point is, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, every time you can. Those 10 minutes you have to make a phone call, call and remind them how much they mean to you, you never know if it's your last day, or theirs, or if you will have them 10 years more or 70. In those parties with your friends, picking up your kids from school, you never really know what might happen next, and even though nothing happens, it will be a joy in their hearts to know that you love them. Take those extra seconds to help someone, to hug a friend, to kiss someone, to tell them how much they mean to you, because you never really, really know. It's a sad and marvelous mystery, that gives us hope of seeing them again, but fear of don't.
I thought about all those people who live in fear of dying, people who are sick and they don't know if they will wake up or return from a trip. It must be terrifying knowing your life could end in any second, it must be scary to know you might die, and you might not have done all the things you wanted, or have told the people you love that you do, or have flown in a plane, or get married, or hold your kids hand. I thought about all the sick people's loved ones, it must be a torture see them leaving even to a convenience store, and not knowing what might happen. It must be a joy see them coming back, even if they left for only 3 hours. It must be really painful knowing you will die and you can't do anything about it, and knowing someone you love will die and also you can't fucking do anything about it. Just wait. Just waiting. Just enjoying the last hours or days or months left, because you never know.
A war is about to start or already started in Siria, there are more fighting and wars in other countries, and sadly there will be more. It must be really scary living in a place when a bomb might drop in your house while you're sleeping, in your school while you're in class. It must be really scary knowing someone you love that lives in a place in war. It must be really painful seeing your dad, or brother, or boyfriend, or husband, or even mom, going away for a war. You don't know if they won't come back, and sure you know there is a possibility, there's a chance they won't make it for your next birthday or the next Christmas.
It must be sad being constantly reminding them how much they mean to you, because you don't know if you will be able to say it again. Not because you have to do it, but because you just want to say it 1000 times before it's too late.
I was thinking about these things when I realized something. You don't need to be really sick, or in a war zone to die. You don't need to have someone close to you really sick, or in a war zone, to attend their funeral.
You never know if they might be driving next to a drunk driver, you never know if the convenience store they went to, was being robbed and they got shot, you never know if they had a heart attack, you never know if these things might happen to you too.
We as humans are constantly trusting other people, people we don't know. You trust the other drivers they won't do something stupid, and you drive with other cars, with people you don't know or even see. You trust to cross the street when the light is red, because you're trusting they know that they can't keep going. You trust the pilot in your plane. You trust that the food you just bought won't kill you, because you trust that they have checked it before putting it in there, even though you don't see the people that did that, you trust them. You trust that the school your kids are, have good teachers, that won't let them get hurt, or run away, even though you don't see these teachers outside of school or you don't know the preparation they had you trust them your most valuable treasures. You trust the architect that made your house that it won't fall down, even though he's not the one doing it, it's their workers. And you trust those workers in every building you go to, even it is a old building or a new one, you decided to trust them the moment you stepped in there.
I'm not trying to say, "don't trust anyone, live in a cave, but don't trust the cave". I'm saying people don't realize this, and people fear losing their loved ones when they see the danger close, when it is really happening all the time, in any moment. It could happen at any moment at any time, to you, to your loved ones, to a old man in Singapur, to a young lady in Italy, to a couple in Paris or to a kid in Chile. It could happen a September 11 in the world trade center while you're in a meeting. Or it could happen in Monterrey in a Casino, while you're gambling.
My point is, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, every time you can. Those 10 minutes you have to make a phone call, call and remind them how much they mean to you, you never know if it's your last day, or theirs, or if you will have them 10 years more or 70. In those parties with your friends, picking up your kids from school, you never really know what might happen next, and even though nothing happens, it will be a joy in their hearts to know that you love them. Take those extra seconds to help someone, to hug a friend, to kiss someone, to tell them how much they mean to you, because you never really, really know. It's a sad and marvelous mystery, that gives us hope of seeing them again, but fear of don't.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
The little things, the big love.
No tengo ni idea de como empezar esto, creo que mejor lo voy a decir en ingles para que mas gente se entere de que amo a el mejor amigo del mundo.
I'm going to talk about the best person I know, I'm going to speak from the bottom of my heart how I feel about him. Truth is, I'm in love, like I've never been, I'm pretty sure it's the first time I'm in love, it's the first time I really love someone and I can feel it. Well this special guy that happens to be my best friend also happens to be my boyfriend. What can I say about him? I don't even know where to start.
I know where to start, I love his heart, his feeling are the most pure and honest feelings I've ever been close to, from someone apart from my family. It feels like a mother's love or a sister's love, so true and honest. I love the way he is passionate about the things he like, I love how big his dreams are. I love the way he hugs me, I love the way he hugs me tighter when I need it, even I don't say it. I love he always asks me "what do you wanna do?" even he knows I will say "what ever you want". I love when he looks me in the eyes and ask me a question, I love when he makes me look in his eyes so he can see mine. I love how much he take care about me. I love the sound of his laugh. I love when he makes fun of me and tease me. I love when he randomly starts dancing, I love when he randomly takes me to dance. I love the look on his face when he is ashamed, or he knows I am. I love how he always listens to my stories. I love he always has something to say. I love when he makes me laugh. I love when he talks about his family or Brazil, and how the spark in his eyes change. I love when he wants to ask me something and he is shy about it. I love that he always gives me the parking ticket or the movie tickets to keep them because he will lose them. I love when he looks at me with a "I want to kiss you" face. I love when I open the door of my house and I see him standing there. I love when he talks to my family. I love when he listens to my girl's problems. I love when he hears me complain a lot. I love when he helps me with homework. I love when I wake up and I see a good morning message. I love saying good night. I love talking about out future. I love seeing his old pictures. I love when he stoles quotes I say. I love when he is singing in the car. I love telling him how I will make our daughter's hair or what I'm going to give our kids for lunch. I love when he talks like a little kid. I love how he always find a way for me to hug him. I love the look on his face when he is being funny. I love when we are in a public place and I go to the bathroom and the face he makes when I get out. I love when he starts getting excited about something and he talks a lot, then he says he will shut up and keeps talking, I love the face he makes. I love when he tease me and I made myself the "sad or angry" so he will hug me and kiss my cheek, I love how it always works. I love when he kiss my nose. I love how well he knows me. I love when he listens to a song then he feels like if he was on tomorrow land and gets excited. I love when he starts talking about economics, even I don't understand a thing, I love seeing his excited face. I love that he is my best friend, I can talk about anything with him, I love when we laugh together and do random thing together. I love when he shut up's me with a kiss. I love when he hugs me when I cry. I love that he is my boyfriend and he always listens to me, he always makes me feel better, he always helps me, he always loves me. I love that I found the most amazing human being, and I love that he loves me as much as I love him. I just love him with all my heart, and I have no doubt that he loves me.
My love, I love you for this and a million more things, I want to love you for the rest of my life. I know I will.
I'm going to talk about the best person I know, I'm going to speak from the bottom of my heart how I feel about him. Truth is, I'm in love, like I've never been, I'm pretty sure it's the first time I'm in love, it's the first time I really love someone and I can feel it. Well this special guy that happens to be my best friend also happens to be my boyfriend. What can I say about him? I don't even know where to start.
I know where to start, I love his heart, his feeling are the most pure and honest feelings I've ever been close to, from someone apart from my family. It feels like a mother's love or a sister's love, so true and honest. I love the way he is passionate about the things he like, I love how big his dreams are. I love the way he hugs me, I love the way he hugs me tighter when I need it, even I don't say it. I love he always asks me "what do you wanna do?" even he knows I will say "what ever you want". I love when he looks me in the eyes and ask me a question, I love when he makes me look in his eyes so he can see mine. I love how much he take care about me. I love the sound of his laugh. I love when he makes fun of me and tease me. I love when he randomly starts dancing, I love when he randomly takes me to dance. I love the look on his face when he is ashamed, or he knows I am. I love how he always listens to my stories. I love he always has something to say. I love when he makes me laugh. I love when he talks about his family or Brazil, and how the spark in his eyes change. I love when he wants to ask me something and he is shy about it. I love that he always gives me the parking ticket or the movie tickets to keep them because he will lose them. I love when he looks at me with a "I want to kiss you" face. I love when I open the door of my house and I see him standing there. I love when he talks to my family. I love when he listens to my girl's problems. I love when he hears me complain a lot. I love when he helps me with homework. I love when I wake up and I see a good morning message. I love saying good night. I love talking about out future. I love seeing his old pictures. I love when he stoles quotes I say. I love when he is singing in the car. I love telling him how I will make our daughter's hair or what I'm going to give our kids for lunch. I love when he talks like a little kid. I love how he always find a way for me to hug him. I love the look on his face when he is being funny. I love when we are in a public place and I go to the bathroom and the face he makes when I get out. I love when he starts getting excited about something and he talks a lot, then he says he will shut up and keeps talking, I love the face he makes. I love when he tease me and I made myself the "sad or angry" so he will hug me and kiss my cheek, I love how it always works. I love when he kiss my nose. I love how well he knows me. I love when he listens to a song then he feels like if he was on tomorrow land and gets excited. I love when he starts talking about economics, even I don't understand a thing, I love seeing his excited face. I love that he is my best friend, I can talk about anything with him, I love when we laugh together and do random thing together. I love when he shut up's me with a kiss. I love when he hugs me when I cry. I love that he is my boyfriend and he always listens to me, he always makes me feel better, he always helps me, he always loves me. I love that I found the most amazing human being, and I love that he loves me as much as I love him. I just love him with all my heart, and I have no doubt that he loves me.
My love, I love you for this and a million more things, I want to love you for the rest of my life. I know I will.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Ohana
I don't know how to start this, I've recently learned something about people close to me, like my uncle, my aunt, my other aunt, etc. I don't know I guess I have a big feeling in my throat that makes me want to cry.
How can someone be so mean to someone you used to love, the father of your kids, how in hell can you be so mean to the man you used to love more than anything, how can someone be so mean till the point of not letting him see his own kids, how can someone be so mean to his kids, and not let them see his dad.
My aunt is sick, she almost died, she lost her leg, she is so better now, but she still needs to go to the doctor and medicines, how can someone be so fucking selfish to her sister, and tell my grandma to take the money she had spent in doctors of her heritage, how can you tell that to you mom, when you have enough money to shit money, how can you be so selfish when you know your sister will need it when my grandma will not be here, and you won't need it.
How can you take your 12 years old daughter to "testify" that her dad is mean and aggressive, when you see that she runs to hug him and she wants to spend the time she has with him, because she has 1 month without seeing him because you don't let them. Then she testifies and she just says "I don't want my parents to keep fighting".
It makes me sick, knowing that someone can be so heartless and do this kind of things, to his kids, to his ex-husband (even he's not with them anymore, they used to love them, and the reason their kids are those kids it's 50% because of them), how can someone be so mean and selfish with his sister knowing she needs it and you don't need it at all, how can someone tell her mother what to do with the heritage when they didn't earn it, my grandpa earn that money, my grandpa is in heaven, then my grandmother decides, not anyone else, it looks like they just want my grandma money, but why when they have fucking enough money for the rest of their lives.
I know there aren't perfect families, I know no one is perfect and we all are human and we make mistakes. But how can someone be so heartless with their own family.
It makes me so sad knowing all this things, I makes me so so sad knowing I won't babysit my nephews and niece anymore :( and I don't know when I will see them again, if they haven't seen their dad :(
Family are the first ones you meet, the ones that are always there and the ones you can rely on when you need it. When did families stopped being like this? or it has always been like this? I makes me so sad knowing this, and knowing there are 938129 stories, and 923894 divorces, and 98923 mean parents, and 3989434 heartless people, 894456 selfish people, etc. There are plenty of people like this, I'm not saying they are mean or not all of them, they just aren't good at making decisions. And even trough all these people, I'm the kind of person that believes that there are more nice and good people that mean and heartless. I still believe that, but still it makes me sad for all the people that have to live everyday of their life with heartless people.
At least I can say I love my family, and the ones I know I can rely on, the ones I trust, the ones I love the most, etc. are the good kind of people. I guess someday I will understand a lot of things I don't right now, maybe I don't ever want to understand, but I guess I need to accept it, and live with that.
Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten... I'm happy to know that at least I know my family will never leave me behind or forgotten.
How can someone be so mean to someone you used to love, the father of your kids, how in hell can you be so mean to the man you used to love more than anything, how can someone be so mean till the point of not letting him see his own kids, how can someone be so mean to his kids, and not let them see his dad.
My aunt is sick, she almost died, she lost her leg, she is so better now, but she still needs to go to the doctor and medicines, how can someone be so fucking selfish to her sister, and tell my grandma to take the money she had spent in doctors of her heritage, how can you tell that to you mom, when you have enough money to shit money, how can you be so selfish when you know your sister will need it when my grandma will not be here, and you won't need it.
How can you take your 12 years old daughter to "testify" that her dad is mean and aggressive, when you see that she runs to hug him and she wants to spend the time she has with him, because she has 1 month without seeing him because you don't let them. Then she testifies and she just says "I don't want my parents to keep fighting".
It makes me sick, knowing that someone can be so heartless and do this kind of things, to his kids, to his ex-husband (even he's not with them anymore, they used to love them, and the reason their kids are those kids it's 50% because of them), how can someone be so mean and selfish with his sister knowing she needs it and you don't need it at all, how can someone tell her mother what to do with the heritage when they didn't earn it, my grandpa earn that money, my grandpa is in heaven, then my grandmother decides, not anyone else, it looks like they just want my grandma money, but why when they have fucking enough money for the rest of their lives.
I know there aren't perfect families, I know no one is perfect and we all are human and we make mistakes. But how can someone be so heartless with their own family.
It makes me so sad knowing all this things, I makes me so so sad knowing I won't babysit my nephews and niece anymore :( and I don't know when I will see them again, if they haven't seen their dad :(
Family are the first ones you meet, the ones that are always there and the ones you can rely on when you need it. When did families stopped being like this? or it has always been like this? I makes me so sad knowing this, and knowing there are 938129 stories, and 923894 divorces, and 98923 mean parents, and 3989434 heartless people, 894456 selfish people, etc. There are plenty of people like this, I'm not saying they are mean or not all of them, they just aren't good at making decisions. And even trough all these people, I'm the kind of person that believes that there are more nice and good people that mean and heartless. I still believe that, but still it makes me sad for all the people that have to live everyday of their life with heartless people.
At least I can say I love my family, and the ones I know I can rely on, the ones I trust, the ones I love the most, etc. are the good kind of people. I guess someday I will understand a lot of things I don't right now, maybe I don't ever want to understand, but I guess I need to accept it, and live with that.
Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten... I'm happy to know that at least I know my family will never leave me behind or forgotten.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I used to believe that everyone had some piece of kindness and compassion
Today I read something that made me cry, something that hurt me so bad, even though it wasn't me, or my sisters, or my friends. I read an article about a place in México City, where women were raped and forced to work as prostitutes. The article was some kind of interview to 3 women that decided to talk about it, after it was closed and they were safe. They said that they have called them for a job in a restaurant, when they get there, they gave them drinks, then when they get dizzy they rape them, the owner, the guard guy, the waiter, etc. They get raped to see if they are in the conditions to work there, that means being sex slaves, rich people, politics, police man, people with power, go to that "bar", and if they feel it, they can rape the one they want. They hide them in a basement, they sleep 4 hours, they get drugged. If they are a good "businesses" they sell them for one night in a hotel to richest people and more powerful people, they are scared because they know that they paid so much that they feel like they own them. Girls not just from México, from Venezuela, Argentina, Colombia, relate that they hire them promising them enough money, and a job of just a "few dances". Once they get there, their life is over. If they try to escape, to call someone, to get help, they hit them, they threat them by hurting their kids or family, and in some cases they kill them.
And the story goes and goes. I've been knowing for a while that this things happen, not just in México. It wouldn't surprise me to know it happens in every country. But I will never ever understand, how someone could be so thirsty of money to do something like this, just for money. How someone could have the heart of kidnapping someone, rape them, take their freedom away, just so some stupid assholes can pay them and rape them, and "have fun".
I hate this so much, it made me cry. I hate this so much it makes me want to do something, it makes me want to help. But I don't know how. I feel so helpless it makes me feel stupid. I can't help imaging all the kids, woman and men, that are forced to this kind of things, the people that get raped and hurt by someone, just because they have so much money, they feel like they own them. How can I feel better, when the own government men are the ones that rape them, when this "powerful" people know about this and doesn't do anything, because they rather being quiet and keeping some of that money.
I've been investigating about this, and I've read a lot of comments that "they deserve it", the accepted a job in a table dance. But dancing is in fact very different that being raped, and being forced to have sex, being kid napped, being hurt physically and emotionally. It's just fucking different, and they weren't asking for it, how in hell could someone ask for that? The way they treated them was, is and never will be right, no matter what.
It makes me sick knowing about this, knowing that someone could have the heart to sell a woman, for money. Knowing someone could take someone freedom away, just for money. That someone could take some child innocence away, for stupid money. It makes me more sick knowing that government know this, and most of them don't do anything to help. People are so selfish that they are just interested in their own interests. These are the words to this, selfish and greedy; inhuman and ignorant; stupid and heartless; asshole and devil.
Sometimes I get mad when my parents overprotect me, but when I read something like this I understand. And I wish it would never happen to me, or family, or friends, or anyone. I wish from the bottom of my heart, this could end, here and anywhere in the world.
http://www.eluniversal.com.mx/ciudad-metropoli/2013/esclavas-de-la-prostitucion-vip-en-el-distrito-federal-937522.html
And the story goes and goes. I've been knowing for a while that this things happen, not just in México. It wouldn't surprise me to know it happens in every country. But I will never ever understand, how someone could be so thirsty of money to do something like this, just for money. How someone could have the heart of kidnapping someone, rape them, take their freedom away, just so some stupid assholes can pay them and rape them, and "have fun".
I hate this so much, it made me cry. I hate this so much it makes me want to do something, it makes me want to help. But I don't know how. I feel so helpless it makes me feel stupid. I can't help imaging all the kids, woman and men, that are forced to this kind of things, the people that get raped and hurt by someone, just because they have so much money, they feel like they own them. How can I feel better, when the own government men are the ones that rape them, when this "powerful" people know about this and doesn't do anything, because they rather being quiet and keeping some of that money.
I've been investigating about this, and I've read a lot of comments that "they deserve it", the accepted a job in a table dance. But dancing is in fact very different that being raped, and being forced to have sex, being kid napped, being hurt physically and emotionally. It's just fucking different, and they weren't asking for it, how in hell could someone ask for that? The way they treated them was, is and never will be right, no matter what.
It makes me sick knowing about this, knowing that someone could have the heart to sell a woman, for money. Knowing someone could take someone freedom away, just for money. That someone could take some child innocence away, for stupid money. It makes me more sick knowing that government know this, and most of them don't do anything to help. People are so selfish that they are just interested in their own interests. These are the words to this, selfish and greedy; inhuman and ignorant; stupid and heartless; asshole and devil.
Sometimes I get mad when my parents overprotect me, but when I read something like this I understand. And I wish it would never happen to me, or family, or friends, or anyone. I wish from the bottom of my heart, this could end, here and anywhere in the world.
http://www.eluniversal.com.mx/ciudad-metropoli/2013/esclavas-de-la-prostitucion-vip-en-el-distrito-federal-937522.html
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Hola mi amor
Hola mi amor :$ solo te quería decir que eres un angelito, eres mi angelito :$ y nunca te voy a poder agradecer todo lo que has hecho por mi, tal vez me pasaron cosas que me dolieron y me hirieron mucho y cuando no puedo dormir esas cosas me vuelven a doler y las vuelto a sentir, y se que inconscientemente te duele a ti saber que estoy así y que me duelen de nuevo. Cuando estoy contigo es como estar con un angelito te lo prometo que se me olvida todo y me siento en el mejor lugar del mundo, gracias por quererme y cuidarme tanto, las cosas que pasaron ya pasaron, ya no puedo hacer nada no las puedo cambiar, pero si puedo cambiar la forma en que reacciono a ellas o a sus recuerdos, no puedo cambiar como me hicieron sentir en ese momento, pero si como me siento ahora. No voy a dejar que el pasado arruine mi presente, nuestro presente, y nuestro futuro. Te lo prometo que aveces lo único que necesito es que me entiendas, por que estoy segura que no se me va a olvidar y habrá momentos en los que voy a tener miedo. Cuando eso pase, te voy a decir abiertamente que me abraces, que me des un beso en la frente porque te necesito y te amo. No quiero que tu te sientas triste cuando yo lo estoy, porque cuando empiece a sentirme triste me voy a controlar, voy a controlar mis nervios e inseguridades. Y si estas cerca te voy a abrazar. Nunca olvides que siempre te voy a querer con cada pedazo de mi alma, y que lo ultimo que quiero es que estés triste, sobretodo porque yo lo estoy. Por eso te repito y te prometo, que lo voy a controlar, yo soy mas fuerte que mis inseguridades. Y mi amor por ti es también mas fuerte, nunca olvides que eres mi mejor amigo, mi novio, mi amor y mi angelito. Tampoco olvides que te amo con todo mi corazón y que voy a hacer todo lo posible para que siempre seas feliz. También quiero que sepas que si confió en ti, y confió en que todo eso que me da miedo no va a pasar, y que me amas tanto como yo a ti. No te voy a dejar ir. Por favor tu tampoco me dejes ir.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Bullying
I'm pretty sure everyone has heard this word at least once, and I'm also pretty sure that most of the people had talked about someone in their back, at least once... I always say "I don't know why I'm talking about this, or what I'm gonna say" but today I'm pretty sure what I have to say...
People often over use this word, and say "This is bullying" for almost anything. Like 1 week ago was the graduation of my little sister, she graduated from high school, and in the party they made like prizes for everyone like "the most intelligent", "the best couple", "the best dressed", etc. There was a girl that organized that, that changed them all in the moment, she gave "the most bullied" to a girl... in front of her whole family... She gave "the most dumb" to some other girl she didn't liked, and she also gave "the best couple" to this last girl, to her and her ipad. And she said, "because we all know she is forever alone, and no one notices her, just her ipad". I have knew all my life that in middle school, some kid kicked my brother, but this Saturday I found out, he was in the line, 2 kids grabbed him, and another one started kicking him in the stomach. My brother has always been too skinny and too small. Or I can say about the time when in middle school someone printed pictures of a giraffe and placed them on the locker of a tall girl. Or all the times I've seen cyberbullying on tumblr. Or that time in 7th grade when I heard 2 guys laughing about a picture of me as a baby, then when they saw I was listening they said that to my face. Or when a friend told me "You really are ugly", a "friend" and he wasn't joking. People often thinks bullying just comes from people we don't like. Or how my mother hates her name so much, for all the bullying they made her.
And I could continue telling numerous stories about me, my family, my friends and people I don't know. Bullying is something that always had been there, and I'm afraid it will always will. People often says "just don't listen to them", I swear if I knew how I would do it. People don't realize how powerful words are, if everyone knew how bullying ends sometimes, I'm sure people would think twice before doing it. I don't know how to end this, I don't think there's a way to stop it. But most of the time, and in most of the cases I wrote, the people bullying have bigger problems, and they don't know how to solve them, they can't so they try to feel better making others feel less. The guy that kicked my brother, his dad shot the guy his wife was cheating on, he shot him in a restaurant, it was on the news, and everyone knew. I'm not justifying what he did to my brother, it doesn't justify what bullys do to innocent people. I'm just saying that they might react different with a little of compression and with treatment before they do stupid things. Everyone has feelings, EVERYONE. Even Hitler had, but he wasn't treated, he wasn't loved, he wasn't accepted, and everyone know what he did.
I thought I would have a nice end to this, but I can't think of one. I just can't stop thinking that if everyone had love, if everyone had compression, a smile and a friend. The world would be a different place. If everyone knew how much words hurt, how much actions remain.
In 2009 in México City 190 kids killed them selves for bullying. And there were 13, 633 reports of bullying, just in that city. And this is just a city, and just a year. I'm afraid to keep searching. I just kinda wish it could be easily over. :C
People often over use this word, and say "This is bullying" for almost anything. Like 1 week ago was the graduation of my little sister, she graduated from high school, and in the party they made like prizes for everyone like "the most intelligent", "the best couple", "the best dressed", etc. There was a girl that organized that, that changed them all in the moment, she gave "the most bullied" to a girl... in front of her whole family... She gave "the most dumb" to some other girl she didn't liked, and she also gave "the best couple" to this last girl, to her and her ipad. And she said, "because we all know she is forever alone, and no one notices her, just her ipad". I have knew all my life that in middle school, some kid kicked my brother, but this Saturday I found out, he was in the line, 2 kids grabbed him, and another one started kicking him in the stomach. My brother has always been too skinny and too small. Or I can say about the time when in middle school someone printed pictures of a giraffe and placed them on the locker of a tall girl. Or all the times I've seen cyberbullying on tumblr. Or that time in 7th grade when I heard 2 guys laughing about a picture of me as a baby, then when they saw I was listening they said that to my face. Or when a friend told me "You really are ugly", a "friend" and he wasn't joking. People often thinks bullying just comes from people we don't like. Or how my mother hates her name so much, for all the bullying they made her.
And I could continue telling numerous stories about me, my family, my friends and people I don't know. Bullying is something that always had been there, and I'm afraid it will always will. People often says "just don't listen to them", I swear if I knew how I would do it. People don't realize how powerful words are, if everyone knew how bullying ends sometimes, I'm sure people would think twice before doing it. I don't know how to end this, I don't think there's a way to stop it. But most of the time, and in most of the cases I wrote, the people bullying have bigger problems, and they don't know how to solve them, they can't so they try to feel better making others feel less. The guy that kicked my brother, his dad shot the guy his wife was cheating on, he shot him in a restaurant, it was on the news, and everyone knew. I'm not justifying what he did to my brother, it doesn't justify what bullys do to innocent people. I'm just saying that they might react different with a little of compression and with treatment before they do stupid things. Everyone has feelings, EVERYONE. Even Hitler had, but he wasn't treated, he wasn't loved, he wasn't accepted, and everyone know what he did.
I thought I would have a nice end to this, but I can't think of one. I just can't stop thinking that if everyone had love, if everyone had compression, a smile and a friend. The world would be a different place. If everyone knew how much words hurt, how much actions remain.
In 2009 in México City 190 kids killed them selves for bullying. And there were 13, 633 reports of bullying, just in that city. And this is just a city, and just a year. I'm afraid to keep searching. I just kinda wish it could be easily over. :C
Monday, May 20, 2013
Escribir por escribir es casi igual que hablar por hablar.
"Si no tienes nada bueno que decir no lo digas", pienso que es una frase que todos deberían de considerar y tener en cuenta que es mejor el silencio a comentarios inapropiados y estúpidos, igual mucha gente sigue hablando por hablar. Hoy me dieron muchas ganas de escribir algo, no sé creo que hay muchas emociones y sentimientos en mi interior y todavía no logro acomodarlas, o todavía no logro como ponerlos en palabras. Pero tenía ganas de escribir, pensé "Voy a empezar a escribir a ver si sale algo y se me quitan las ganas". No esta funcionando porque por lo visto estoy escribiendo puro mugrero sin sentido. Tal vez debería de empezar a escribir ese ensayo que tengo de tarea. O tal vez podría hablar de mi fin de semana. De mi nuevo tetramestre que estoy empezando. De mi nuevo trabajo. De Joao. De mi familia. De Oliver, el huevito de colibrí que encontré en mi patio y nunca nació. De México y su cultura. Igual podría hablar de educación. O de desastres naturales.
No sé, creo que todos siempre tienen algo que decir, porque al momento de estar sintiendo te dan ganas de expresarlo, y así como hay gente que lo expresa escribiendo, hay personas que lo expresan dibujando, hablando, con música, deportes, no sé. Todos tenemos una historia, y algo que contar, creo que el detalle es saber cuando y como, con quien y en el medio correcto. Espero que todas las personas que tengan algo que decir, tengan a alguien que las escuche. Todos merecen ser escuchados. Todos tienen una historia, el papel que tomamos en la historia de las personas que conocemos se define en como las tratamos.
No sé, creo que todos siempre tienen algo que decir, porque al momento de estar sintiendo te dan ganas de expresarlo, y así como hay gente que lo expresa escribiendo, hay personas que lo expresan dibujando, hablando, con música, deportes, no sé. Todos tenemos una historia, y algo que contar, creo que el detalle es saber cuando y como, con quien y en el medio correcto. Espero que todas las personas que tengan algo que decir, tengan a alguien que las escuche. Todos merecen ser escuchados. Todos tienen una historia, el papel que tomamos en la historia de las personas que conocemos se define en como las tratamos.
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