The perks of being a wallflower

When I first saw this movie I ended up crying and happy at the same time, I had a lot of mixed feelings inside, but I guess one of the biggest one was how related I felt with this movie. I don't know why I felt so related if I've never been in those situations. I'm really shy and I do the same in class, even I know the answer I don't participate. When I'm around so many people I'm quiet, and I usually think all the things I write later. I have a few friends, but I know the ones I have are real. And how I ALWAYS look for anybody but me, I'd rather people to be happy than making me happy. And I have those thoughts too. Those kind of thoughts when you just start crying, remembering things you don't want to remember, and thinking "please stop, just stop" but they don't stop, so you look for an alternative for that pain inside. I know how it feels. I saw that movie again today, and even I don't relate to some of that things anymore, like the thoughts. I'm happy now, I'm making myself happy for me, not for others.

I remember like 5 months ago my mom asked me if I wanted to see a psychologist because she was seeing me "too sad for my age", I just said... "okay, yes" but that never really happened, and I'm much better now, and I know I learned things get better. You just need to hang out more often with your friends, go for a walk sometimes, sing really loud in the car, watch movies, brought clothes, meet new people, spend more time in green areas, give things for the people that need it, I don't know I never talked about that with my mom again. But I have to say I'm really proud of myself of that, because I guess I saved myself. That's why I like the quote "I'm my own hero" because I know I am. 2012 wasn't my best year, but I really learned a lot. Like what do I want to do, what makes me happy, who really cares about me, what I deserve, What I don't deserve. And seeing this movie again, after being really sad and now happy, makes me realize how times go so fast. I still relate to that shy guy not participating in class and having a few friends. I'm still a "wallflower". But just to that, because I'm not the person I was 6 months ago, I'm better. And I sure don't have the thoughts I had 6 months ago, they are happier.

I have flashbacks from time to time, that still hurt me and makes me stop for a little. But then I see all these amazing people in my life right now, and I know it's not worth just a second to stop. "because life doesn't stop for anybody." I'm happy to look back at the things that happened and realize all made me how I am and mostly made me stronger.

I had saved a draft when I fist saw the movie, with the quotes I liked or I related to.

• So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
• I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.
• If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.
• She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.
• Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.
• I don’t know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
• And the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.
• You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand. You’re a wallflower.
• We accept the love we think we deserve.
• I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.
• So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.