The day 365 of the year

So today is the last day of the year, people always say that a new year is a new beginning  Truth is that for me is just another day, you don't need to be starting a year so you can start a diet, start being a good person, stop drinking soda, etc etc. We've always been told that that's what the new year is for, on the last day you make a review probably it's what I'm doing, then the next day you start fresh and again. But you will be the same person, you will probably have the same dreams and your weight will be the same. So you don't need a new year to make new things, you can do something new and exciting every day. Every day can be your fresh start. Also the last day of the year shouldn't be the only one when you thank people for being there, when you thought about your lessons learned. You can do that everyday of the year. But what makes this day special then, if I can do those things everyday. Because a year ended, we won't ever be in 2012 again. And it's easier to look back from here. So what happened for me this year... a lot of things happened for me this year.
I worked on a gifts store for like 5 months, I loved someone, I graduated from high school, I got my heart broken, I met amazing people, I started working with kids I love, I started collage, I quit collage, I survived, I learned... If you look at it this way, it was just a year. But it wasn't just a year for me, I learned way too many things this year. I loved, I failed, I got mad, I cried of happiness, I got stressed, I got nervous, I got sad. So a year is ending and that is already in the past, I learned from the bunch of things that happened. And no I won't start again, I'm the same weird shy girl, but I can start again knowing that nothing lasts forever, I shouldn't depend my happiness on anybody, true friends are a treasure, family is a blessing, opportunities come in a blink of an eye and go the same way and I should appreciate people while they are still here. It wasn't one of my best years, I'm sure and I hope I will have better ones. But a year ended and I'm still here. A new year will begging and will feel the same, I can start making my own changes now.

A lot of people came in and go of my life this year. The ones that aren't here anymore, I learned that it happened for a reason. Your name in the book of my life is already written, but it's in the past. To the new people in my life and to the old people that stayed, I'm glad you're still here, friends and family are blessings and I'm thankful you were part of my 2012. Hopefully you will be part of my 2013 too!

I'm not sure if I can remember about all the persons that made my 2012 better, but I will try to. So Thank you all of you, for being a blessing in my life. Thank to the ones that believed in me, to the ones that were there for me, to the ones that made me stronger, to the ones I love. Each one of you made my 2012  better, even if you said just a words to me, even if you don't know me enough, you are here for a reason. Thank you so much! I hope you have a Happy new year :D

Mom, Dad, Mauricio, Gaby, Mony, Gaby B, Martha, Estefy, Adrian, Aldo, Fuzy, Tamayo, David, Max, Enrique, Lesly, Denisse, Ana Lucia, Marita, Pony, Isi, Daniel, Alan, Nick, Kevin, Kyle, Joanna, Mr. Roger, Vale, Chuy, Dany M, Dany R, Jessy, Alex, Karla B, Hector, Memo, Andres, Marco, Mariel, Ale, Erick, Sara, Chau, Yumi, Diego, Fran, Maria, Mely, Vrenny..

I'm probably missing someone, but I'm happily said you were part of my 2012, so thank you. Each one of you have their own story or what did you do, But thank you all. :D

It always starts with a phone call...

It always start with a phone call.. then suddenly you're there, dressing in black clothes walking slowly, you came in to see flowers but not in tables, flowers with names, and tables with kleenex. Then you see a kind of line to hug a special person, people are hugging each other and crying, saying "I'm sorry".

Life really does end in one second, in a car accident, a heart attack, a shot. Then you're no longer here, what happens next? You become a memory, you family and friends are still here, they are sad about it, they miss you, but life continues to them and you're nothing more than a memory, a loved one they lost. So make sure the time you are here it's worth, because that's what your loved ones will remember. Make sure you give them something nice to remember.

I don't know when my time will come, but when it does. I don't want to people cry about me, or feel sad. If I've ever touched someone's life, I hope they remember it and smile. I really hope they do.

To the persons I've lost, I remember about all of you with a smile. To the ones I didn't get to know a lot, I don't remember all the time, but time from time I do think of you. Even if we had a short conversation once, like kacho or I don't remember about you like Granny Elena. I have you in my heart, because I know you were great persons. I hope to see you one day again! <3

RIP Beautiful Angels
Granny Elena (1995)
Grandpa Toscano (1999)
Grandpa Rosendo (2001)
Uncle Marcos (2006)
Kacho (2009)
Ever (2012)

What is Christmas?

December it's my favorite time of the year. I like how my house looks all full of lights, being covered in a blanket watching movies, eating churros and hot chocolate, wearing hoodies and sweaters, I love watching Christmas movies, I love spending time with family I don't see often, I love having posadas with my friends, I actually like remembering about the fact that Jesus was born that day and in that way and why lie I like presents, I like knowing I made someone happy because they received them and I like receiving them. Today I watched The grinch and yesterday I watched Santa clause 2 and 3. So Christmas for me has 2 meanings:
1. The most important remembering Jesus was born in the most humble way to remind us you don't have to have the best to be the best. To remind us how much He loves us. Keep Christ in Christmas.
2. Being with your loved ones, Christmas it's not about the presents, it's about being with the people you love and sharing with them things that come from the inside of your heart. That's what it is about being with the people that truly loves you and cares about you, even you might don't have a present to give them.

That's why I love this time of the year, I wish every other month was like this. Full of love, and everyone saying it's the time to be happy, and the time to share what you have. Every day of the year should be time of being with your loved ones and giving them love.

When I'm going to be that lucky?

I couldn't thought of another name, but I'll start this with what happened yesterday. I was at work, and my job basically consist of being in the door of the restaurant asking people how many people they'll be and in a smoking or non-smoking area, so a girl was there in a table really close to the door, and since I get bored so fast I usually look at people or just stare at a point, I usually find something to distract myself. And she was there with her boyfriend, I've never ever seen that face, the expression and the face of the girl told it all, she was so so in love and the guy was the same, he was looking at her like if he was looking at an angel. I was just like... ugh happy couples, reminding me how alone I am and I will... Then I thought okay look at how happy and in love they are, I want that, I want to be that happy because my guy makes me smile that way, I want to look at someone with bright eyes like if I was seeing Ed Sheeran, and he looking at me like if I was a princess. So I thought.. they really need to know people around them can feel their love, so I asked a weitress for a paper and a pen, and I told them that. That they looked so happy, and that I wished one day someone would look at me that way and look at someone that way. And that they had gave me hope, that that kind of love exist and that even I'm not beautiful like her, maybe someday I'll find it. So thank you. so I wrote that and when they were leaving I was really shy and I was like hey.. and gave them the paper, I walked away as fast as I could because I'm shy. Then I was finishing there and my boss told me "you have a call" I was like w t f... who would call me to this number.. I answered like yes? it was her and she told me that if I could tell the person that gave me the paper that thank you so much.. I was like.. I wrote that. She told me that it really meant a lot to her, she thank me like 5 times and then she said "you'll find it too, I promise" what's your name? me: Sandra.. Okay Sandra thank you so much.. Thank you.. I hang the phone, and I was smiling a lot, I don't know why I wasn't expecting that I thought they would be like.. okay.

Another succes at work, one day I asked a couple if they would like a smoking or non-smoking area, he asked her do you smoke? she: no, it bothers me a lot.. him: me too, I'm allergic.. extra points to you ;) I thought.. okay first date.. They stayed there talking and talking for hours, they sat on a couch like one of the ones one in front of the other, the guy stand up to the bathroom and when he come back he was next to her, I thought awe they liked each other a lot..

I want that, I honestly think nobody is going to love me, because I'm shy and not beautiful. I really want that kind of love and I hope one day I'll have it, it's just that sometimes I lose faith when I thought, like really those kind of things doesn't happen to me, like I would love it. But I'm never that lucky.

Welcome to the third world

So I live in México and people usually come to my house to ask things, like clothes, food, etc. There's a poor neighborhood next to mine, so they come a lot. I was doing nothing using the computer, when someone knock on the door like 5 times. At first I thought... sigh 1 time would be fine... I opened the door to find 2 kids, they were like 8. The kid asked me if I had something, he said an apple, a banana, something? I broke my heart idk why if I had seen kids like this all my life, they always come. So I went to the kitchen took 2 oranges, 2 little boxes of cereal and 2 glasses of water. And gave them to them. Then I saw a woman and she asked me if I had clothes, and I told them the truth my mother hasn't take anything away. The kids were already walking away, when the boy turned back and said, thank you God bless you... I just said, God bless you too.

I don't know why, but when I closed the door I felt like crying. I see kids in the street asking for money almost everyday, people come to my house to ask for things and I've seen people looking in my garbage for things. I'm kind of used to see this. But I'm thinking since when it's normal to see starving people in streets, when there're so many rich people. Since when it's okay for a kid to work all day and walk to every house to ask for food, when they should be playing. It's not okay and I wish more people would see that. I wish people, powerful people would do something to help. It's not okay and it breaks my heart. :(
There're so many rich people here, the richest man in the world is Mexican, and there're so many people out there starving and homeless. I wish I could help but Id on't know how. :(

Querido futuro novio:

Hola me siento bien rara haciéndote una carta, no se quien eres, no se ni siquiera si existes o si voy a tener, no se NADA de ti, tengo mucho tiempo esperándote  Pero algún día veras esto. Soy un poco penosa al principio, haz que se me quite contigo. Hazme reír yo tratare de hacerte reír. No voy a ser nadie mas que YO. Por favor quiéreme mucho, porque se que yo lo voy a hacer. Ya que me conoces sabes que no cualquiera seria mi novio, y no digo que seas afortunado, si acaso yo soy la afortunada. No me gustan, AMO los abrazos y perdón si te abrazo mucho.  Sabes te voy a querer mucho, y si tu no te rindes yo no me voy a rendir. Quiero que no solo seas mi novio, quiero que también seas mi mejor amigo. Prefiero mil veces que seas chistoso y divertido, a romántico. Yo también soy romántica pero no tanto. Te voy a tratar como te mereces, y te voy a consentir mucho. Prefiero mil veces estar en un parque en bici, jugando con agua, comiendo sandwichitos contigo, que estar en un restaurante elegante o algo así. Así que no te preocupes por las cosas materiales, porque en verdad no me interesan, mejor regalame tus sonrisas. Si no haz visto mis películas favoritas haré que las veas. Y yo voy a ver tus películas de niño, y me las vas a explicar. Quiero que me enseñes que es lo que amas. Y te haré de comer. Te voy a llevar a mis lugares favoritos y quiero ver los tuyos. Te voy a dar todo mi amor, y te voy a dar mi corazón  Y si no lo vas a poder cuidar, dime de una vez, porque ya no quiere que lo lastimen. Es lo único que te pido, no me lastimes... Porque te voy a dar todo mi amor. Haz que valga la pena! Te quiero mucho y gracias por quererme! Haré lo posible por no decepcionarte, te lo prometo.

"If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me."

Thank you

In all my life I've had good teachers, bad teachers, mean teacher and special teachers I will remember. I don't think I could say something about the special ones, even they are like 5 - 4 idk. I will just said what my last english teacher did to me. He didn't knew how his words were getting inside me, but I owe him a lot. Maybe someday I will thank him, I'll say that he helped the shy, young and quit girl in his class. He taught me that I'm only young once. I need to do crazy things right now, or I will never make them. I need to be brave now, or I won't have anything to tell when I'm 80. I need to do things I wouldn't do in 10 years. He said that and 1 week after I donated my hair, to a cute little girl with cancer. I have always wanted to do it, but I loved my hair so much. It was the only thing I liked about myself to be honest. But when my sister said her teacher asked them for braids for a 6 years old girl that didn't wanted to get in shower because she was losing his hair I realized I need to do it. So I cut my hair. I don't like it at all, nothing, zero, nada. But it will grow and it's making her happy I guess. So that was his first lesson, he probably didn't noticed, but big part of it was thanks to him. So I won't tell the story about how broken my heart is, so the short version "Some Jerk, idiot, asshole broke my heart really bad, and I felt horrible. I've never felt this way. And I was I guess I'm still are afraid to trust anyone, not just guys. Everyone. And I'm scared I won't ever fall in love again, and nobody will love me again" So yeah I was feeling this way.. then the teacher told us to bring the lyrics of a song to class, then we needed to say our favorite part of the song and why. A girl said her song, and the part she liked was also kind of a broken heart. Then the teacher asked her something I don't remember, and she said "because I don't have a boyfriend.." So he told us something.. he told us that he had a girlfriend, and they dated for 7 years.. He really thought he would marry her and have kids with her, then I guess she broke his heart. And everything that happened to him since that, he blamed her, it was because of her fault... 7 years dating someone, seeing your life with her, then... it ends. He was really sad and broken. Then he met a girl, they fell in love, they got married, and their kid was born today. And he told us how happy he is. And how much he love her, and how much he thanks what happened in the past because if nothing of that would had happened, he wouldn't be with her wife right now.
So I thought okay I was really sad because that idiot broke my heart. What? Really Sandy, really? I'm better than that... I didn't had not even 1 year of dating when that happened. So yes, I might be sad right now. And I might be afraid and scared nobody will love me, but someone some day will love me. And will love me the way I deserve to, will love me back, will love me as much as I love him and will fight for me. So no more tears for that jerk, he is in the past. And that's where he belongs. I deserve so much better, and one day I will met him and realize why things happened the way they did. And I won't even bother looking back, because what I have in the present it's so much better, I might be scared about it right now, but I have hope. I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust again, I need to be myself again and someday someone will love me, right?

So to the few special teachers thank you. I do remember about everyone of them and they had their own story. But Mr. Roger thank you for giving me hope. And even I'm not in your class anymore, I'm not in school anymore, thank you for what you taught me. It was more than an english class and you did way more than your job. :)

Love the life you live.

I have no idea why did I wrote that name, I guess I will figure out in the end. I have no idea who reads this or even if someone does, and if you do why. I guess in a years I'll show this to my kids. Anyways so since I have no idea who is reading this, I have no idea why do you care or why you keep reading, but I'm going to tell this anyway. I have so many subjects in my head I don't even know how to write them. I'm going to start with last week.

So last week I told my parents I wasn't liking architecture.. I saw my grades.. really good grades. But they were good because I did my homework and projects. I kind of liked it. But since I started it wasn't my first choice.. So I had this feeling for like a month, but I didn't wanted to tell anyone. Then I talked to a friend I met on tumblr, and he opened my eyes. So I told my mom... Me: mom can I talk to you? Sit down Her: what?! Me: I'm not pregnant! Her: I know...  okay mom haha thanks. I told her, it made me feel a little bit sad when I saw her disappointing face, she said she always wanted to have an architect or a engineering. I started crying, and I told her "I feel like I'm disappointing you and my dad, and I'm sorry but I rather disappoint you them disappoint me" She hugged me and said, you couldn't had said it better, we're still so proud of you and you're not disappointing anyone. So I'm already out, and I'm starting education in january. In a different school, in the last one I liked that I was there in high school so most of my friends were there too. My best friends were there. But I'll still be friends with them.

Then monday.. I LOVE MY KIDS SO MUCH and I want to see them everyday. So I gave catechism for kids from ages 8-12 in church. We're 6 giving it, to like 15 kids. And I could be having the worst day of my life, like last monday I was having an horrible day. And just seeing them so excited and giving me hugs makes  my whole week. They kind of remind me of my little nephew dany<3 because he have their age, and thanks God he is not there, because I wouldn't even bother looking at the other kids. Okay no, I would give them the same attention, but I'd be hugging him all the time. (but he a story for another day) So they made me smile so much, and I love their hugs. I loved when this quit and kind of cold girl shared the candy she won, everyone were like SHE GOT TWOOOO! but she earned it, then she was like who wants from mine? Then we told them to choose one of us so we could guide them a little bit more personal, and I told a friend no one will choose me and 3 little princess said my name so it made me smile. It made me smile the 6 of us had
at least 1 of them. It was a good day with them.

Tuesday happy birthday to me. I don't know how to say this in a nice way, but it was the worst birthday I ever had. But it made me realize something.. who my real friends are. I thought that "you can count your friends with one hand" was fake, but no I think I have 4. But that's also another story, I didn't liked that day, I cried for hours and in the end I was just wishing it would be over. Thanks God it's over...

Then today... My grandma forgot about my birthday again :(, she forgot about the past 2 also. She is from the 25 I’m from the 23 so every birthday like 1 week before, she ask me what zodiac sign I am, and then she says we’re the same one! But when that day comes she forget about it, then we visit her every year on her birthday the 25 (today) and she doesn’t say anything. I mean on my birthday to be honest I don’t remember about other people it’s like it’s my birthday.. but she gives money and calls all my cousins and my siblings on their birthday and she always forgot about me :C

At first I was sad, okay I’m still kind of sad. I mean I know she is old. Today she turned 80. I’m happy for that she is such a blessing for everyone in my family. And she is one of the strongest and caring people I know, and she is so funny. I love her so much. So when I realized she forgot again I was like :C awe, but then I realized I turned 19, she is 80… She had a whole life already made, she is a warrior honestly. She has gone through a lot, and she is still fighting. I just love her so much, I admire her so much. And she is one of my favorites persons in the world. <3

mehh so love the life you live... I have no idea. I love my family. I love working with kids. I love my true friends. But do I love the life I live? I don't know, I'm not sure.

My favorite kind of love.

When I was coming home, I thought I definitely need to write about this. Then I thought about the name. And I realized my favorite kind of love, it's the love that has been always there... the love of my family. 

Today was the surprise party for my grandma, she will be 80 soon. So it was all perfect and planned I cried of emotion and happiness like 3 times, everyone was laughing about how many times I cried. I cried every time I saw my grandma started crying. So here comes the moment.. SURPRISE! I hope there's a picture of the face of my grandma in that moment. She just looked at us, at the decorations, and she just said...WHAT IT'S THIS?... WHY? hahaha your birthday it's coming soon! Then she hugged her sister, her only sister a 84 year woman, that never got married, never had kids and she lives in a town far away alone. They fight a lot when they are together a lot of time, but when they saw each other they hugged like best friends. Then she started hugging everyone, she saw my aunt that lives far away in CT, and she doesn't come often to visit. First time I cried... When I saw the face of my grandma when she saw her, she started crying. I thought about the love of a daughter to a mother, I looked at all my aunts, my mom, my uncle. And it makes me hope one day I will be hugging my mother or my dad because of their 80 birthday. I looked at all my family 4 daughters and a son, 16 grandsons and granddaughters, 2 great-grandchildren. Where I am gonna be when I'm 80? Will I have a big family full of love to give me? Will I be alone in a home shelter? Will I even gonna be alive? Then we started playing a game, we broke the piñata(a Mexican tradition) it was of a big 80. Then a Mariachi came. It's 3 people singing the birthday song and songs we want. They sang happy birthday, then they asked my grandma what song she wanted, she said in 1 second the name of a song. It was the song that  reminded her of my grandpa, he passed away like 15 years ago. 2 time I cried... When I saw my grandma crying. It must be really hard losing the love of your life, the dad of your children, your support all those years, your partner, your best friend. I know she misses him a lot, she had said it. She said I miss my old one.. I never got to really met him, I was young when he left. I wonder how would he be right now, what would he said about somethings... how proud he must be of some others.. This are the kind of things that I will always wonder. Another thing I wonder, when I'm 80.. will I have a lovely husband by my side? Will he be the love of my life? Who will be that husband?.. 

The guys kept singing, and my grandma kept crying.. 3rd time I cried She said I'm so lucky to have this big lovely family.. I'm so lucky to be this loved.. will I be that lucky? I know my mom will be, she is the best person I know, including my dad. But will I be loved by so many people? Will I be the heart of a family? 

Then we had dinner, then there was a beautiful fondant cake, we sang happy birthday. Then I was helping to take the dishes from the table, and I saw my uncle hugging my aunt crying, I just went by so fast and leave the dishes there. He has gone trough a lot, I can't even explain it. And he has done some things, wrong things. So that hug made me realize. You can make some mistakes, you can feel alone and lost. But your family it's there to help you, and even they don't show it sometimes they care more than anyone. Then we opened the presents, she had so so many presents. She said again, I'm so lucky to have you, I'm so lucky to be so loved. My aunt made an album with a lot of pictures of everyone, and there was a special page for one of us, we wrote a message for her. There's so much love inside that book, you open it and it's like old pictures of my grandma and my grandpa, then their kids.. then the special pages to one of us, with the messages for her. then more pictures of everyone, it was full of memories, full of flashback, pictures I didn't know they existed. And it made me smile, the value of 1 moment, of 1 day, of 1 Christmas, of 1 visit of my cousins.. Then seeing all together and realizing.. She's not the only lucky one... I'm lucky to have that grandma so special, so funny, so kind, so strong. I wish someday I'll be as strong as her. I'm lucky to have this parents full of love and support every time, those parents I don't understand sometimes, and that doesn't understand me some times. But they're always here for me, with a big hug and a klennex to wipe my tears. I hope one day to have a husband like my dad, to be a mother like my mom. Those siblings, so different from me, but at the same time so similar. So funny, so teasing, so protective, and knowing they are my siblings  it's the best feeling in the world, because they are the best. I hope one day I'll return what they have done. To have those cousins and aunts, to the ones I can share a laugh with, and understand the family situations we're going through. 

So I was coming home making a summary of the night. And I love my family so much. I couldn't have asked for a better family. I already have the best. And I know I'm lucky to have them. I just hope one day I will be lucky to look back in the past and realize what I've done, what I've made, who I've loved, and the people that are there because of me. And I will be crying because of joy, because of loving such amazing people. Because I succeed in life, because I have the most important and special, because of the love.