What if I died right now... What if I lived forever...

I guess it's a common thought, what if I died right now... Who would cry? Who would go to my funeral? Who wouldn't care at all? What if I did nothing with my life? What if I people don't remember me, because I gave them nothing to remember? What if...

I guess those are some of the questions I will never know, just like I will never know a bunch of other things. What I'm doing with my life, what I am doing so people will remember me? what I am doing to leave something good in people? What if the whole point of it, it's not that people remember what I did or who I were... Then what's the point of it then, doing it for myself? So I can leave for 80 years only for ME, then die and leave nothing here. What's the point of living and dying? Is it finding true love, getting married and having children? Is it making all my dreams come true? Is it living for others, like Mother Theresa? Is it just living... ?  Or just existing? What's the difference? What makes a person living his life or existing in his life. What's true happiness?

I guess I don't know this questions, because I didn't even knew how to ask. But what's really the whole point of it? Who really knows what's the point of life? Or what's the meaning?

I guess it will always be one of the biggest doubts of a lot of persons here. And I suppose everyone has their own answer too. What's mine? I'm almost 20 years old and I don't know what I am here for...

I might not know that, but I know what my dreams are...

I want to marry someone I couldn't get tired of being with him and someone I love with all my heart, someone that's also my best friend and my love. I want to marry someone I wake up next to everyday with a smile, knowing I'm the luckiest woman on earth to have a husband like him. And knowing there's no one else I'd rather share my life with.

I want to have kids one day, I know I will love them with all my heart and I will do everything to make them happy and see their dreams come true. I want to try to show someone what life is about, when they will actually show it to me without knowing it.

I want to be a teacher, more than teaching I want to educate. I want kids or people to learn from me, I want to at least leave something in them. I want to help every kid I have, that doesn't have the support and love they need, I want to give it to them. Because every kid deserves to be loved and to be encouraged in their dreams.

I want to make my dreams come true, I want to make the things in my bucket list.

I want to make my parents proud, I want to give in return at least a little bit of what the have given to me.

I want to still be friends with my siblings, and not having family fights. I want us to still be the strong and unite family we are. I want us to still be silly and still share moments and things.

I don't know what the meaning of life is, but I want to leave with a big smile and a open heart. 

Those things I'll never say

I've always been that shy, quiet girl. Of course I've never been the center of attention, or the smartest girl, or the prettiest and of course not the one with the best clothes. 

I've always been Sandra, jeans, converse and a t-shirt, and a shy smile. Of course I like to wear cute clothes when I hang out, but also I've never been the popular girl that hangs out a lot, so when I brought my clothes the last time, I brought a lot of clothes because I needed them and I brought, jeans, concert t-shirts, t-shirts, etc. And I do have some cute t-shirts, but enough to the amount of time I hang out. I never thought I would ever get the attention of someone I actually like, and actually have dates and hang out every weekend. 

And I know my sisters hate I ask them too much for their clothes. But I never really saw him coming, I never saw coming someone I would actually like to look like the prettiest girl even thought I know I'm not. But sure I will look better in their clothes, than in mine. Mine are for school. And I regret the amount of t-shirts I brought, but I can't change that. 

The last time I asked my sister something and she said no, because she was tired of me asking her things when all I brought was different kind of clothes. I started crying because I wanted to tell her how I felt, she had have attention of guys since she is 15. Not me. So I never thought I would need it, at least not now. I thought I would actually get that summer job and I could brought clothes there. But it didn't happened, I'm broke and I just have t-shirts I won't wear with him, because I know that I'm not pretty, and they definitely make me look less pretty. And I never cared because I felt comfortable, I never cared until I met someone I actually like and care a lot. And I just don't want to lose him, because I'm not pretty. 

But of course I'll never tell my sister's this. Because like always I'll be making myself "the victim". I just kind want they would understand, those things I'll never say. I guess that if I never say them out loud, nobody will understand. And of course I won't tell him, because he will say "I look good with everything", when I know I'm not. And I don't want him to know I don't believe him when he says I'm beautiful or pretty. 

Writers...

Writers are forgetful,
but they remember everything.

They forget appointments and anniversaries,
but remember what you wore,
how you smelled,
on your first date…
They remember every story you've ever told them -
like ever,
but forget what you've just said.
They don’t remember to water the plants
or take out the trash,
but they don’t forget how
to make you laugh.

Writers are forgetful
because
they’re busy
remembering
the important things.


I know that just because I write on a blog it doesn't means I'm a writer, but I really related to this, I felt like it described me.