Beauty

All my life I've been feeling ugly, fat, I've always disliked myself. And I don't know why, why I let all the comments bother me. Like for example, I've heard 100 times "you're beautiful" and "you're ugly" 5 times. And I believed in that 5 times I heard it. I've learned that a beautiful person it's beautiful from what they have inside. You can have a pretty face but it won't make you beautiful with a ugly heart. You may not be the best good looking person, but if your heart it's kind and you have a smile, you're beautiful. More than most of the people. A smile, it's a reflection of what's inside, of course you can fake a smile. Who hasn't? But at the moment you decide to smile, you're not doing it just for you. You're doing it for others because your smile, maybe can change someone's day. Maybe you can me laughing and smiling so shining, and someone having a bad day can look at you like.. wow I want that kind of happiness.
So smile, in every moment you get the chance to do it, SMILE. why?

• It makes you look beautiful 
• You can change someone's day 
• It changes your mood 
• Someone can fall in love with your smile. 

I regret because I do had heard "you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you're emo" And I could make a list of negative comments people that I like and people I don't like had told me. And I remember about those moments. I wish I could remember more of the people that had told me "you're beautiful, you have a beautiful smile, etc."
The true beauty it's inside, so someone that says you're not it's because they've not that beauty inside. Everyone has their own sparkle, show it, be proud of it. That makes you, YOU and makes you unique. Nobody is ugly. I guess some people do have an ugly heart, people like killers, terrorists, etc. Smile, I know you are beautiful.

Los tiempos de Dios son perfectos!

Vengo de un retiro espiritual, la mitad del retiro fue en silencio. Oracion personal, conversaciones contigo misma y con Dios. Ya habia vivido uno asi, pero creo que en este el espiritu santo me hablo mas. Desde hace varios años han ocurrido cosas en mi vida, cosas que queria que pasaran y no pasaron o cosas que no queria que pasaran y pasaron. Asi es la vida. Pero me puse a pensar, que es lo que Dios me ha querido decir todas esas veces que me dijo NO, y yo segui intentando hasta que me volvia a decir que NO. O esas veces que me decia VEN y yo pensaba, no gracias, todavia no. Los tiempos de Dios son perfectos. Yo no estaba destinada a ser jefa en cadena, y por mas que le intente no se pudo, me dolio seguir y no serlo. Pero Dios ya me habia dicho que no. Me dolio que estuve mucho tiempo en el DIEC y que no me invitaran como formadora, mas aun que invitaran primero a mi hermana menor. Pero yo seguia diciendo, que NO. Me dolio que nunca le hable a Ever, tuve la oportunidad de hacerlo, y no lo hize. Ahora nunca lo hare, porque ya se encuentra con Dios. Me dolio lo que paso con Josh, paso 1 vez. Dios me dijo que NO era para mi, no escuche. Paso una seguunda vez, me dolio mas. Paso una tercera, ya entendi. Me duele, pero entendi. Me duele que no pasara nada en cadena, y yo como ansiaba fogata y solo me heria al ver que... NO pasaba nada. Y no porque Dios no quisiera eso para mi. Porque tenia planes mejores. En la hora santa pense y pense en todo, en como necesitaba mas a Dios, no podia seguir asi. Reflexione sobre todas las segundas oportunidades que me ha dado y no me di cuenta. Al preguntarme por segunda vez que si queria ser coordinadora de infantil dije que si. Se me vinieron a la mente todas estas segundas y mas oportunidades, y no por nada pense en eso antes de que me lo dijeran. Los tiempos de Dios son perfectos. No se si estoy lista, tengo miedo, tengo miedo de fallarle a la gente, tengo miedo de fallarle a Dios. Pero se que por algo pasan las cosas. Dios no elige a los capacitados, capacita a los elegidos. Los tiempos de Dios son perfectos, y no volvere a dudar. "Reza como si todo dependiera de Dios, Haz las cosas como si todo dependiera de ti"

It's 4:08 am

It's 4:08 am, I can't sleep again.. And when I can't sleep my mind just spin around and thinks about everything. Honestly lately my mind has been every where and thinking about everything. So I'd like to say about my day, today...


Listen this while reading it

I needed to wake up at 6, because I let my sister in school, then my mom in work. I needed the van because I needed to go to my high school for some papers I will need for college. So I wake up and as always the first thing I do I check my phone, I asked Josh 1 last thing. He said yes. It made me feel sad, because even I already knew, I realized it was done, it was over, and this time will be forever... That made cry, I didn't wanted to end thing like this. I didn't even wanted it to end. We can't always get what we want. I told my mom I was just tried for waking up so early. When I came to my house again, I tried to sleep, I had like 3 dreams. Then I needed to go for the papers I needed, pick up my sister and then my mom. When I was paying for the papers, there was a guy next to me... This is what happened.

"Lady: So what was your plan for college? (because there are like 2 types in my school)

him: emmmm I don't know... (most jerk voice ever)

Lady: well what was your student number...

him: ashh I don't remember...

Lady: well can you give me your last name so I can look for it..

him: yes.. that's why I'm here.. sigh

Lady: here it's your student number.. blabla

him:.. okay (and he left without a thank you)"

Maybe he was having a bad day, maybe something really bad just happened to him, but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat someone bad. The woman was just doing her work, and she treated him nice, at least he could had said thank you. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. 

Then I look for my sister, I brought a soda and we went to the car and go to my mom's work.

Then when I came home, we ate. The food has so much onion, I don't like it at all. But I was eating. I wonder how many people didn't ate today, and would kill for what I ate today. Be thankful for what you have, you never know when you will lose it. I wished I could help all the people that are hungry, eating should be a law, in every country. Anyone shouldn't be hungry.

Then I toke a nap, I was just falling asleep, when my brother wake me up. He said he needed me to drive with him (him in his car, me in my mom van) to home depot, because he needed furniture and the space of 1 car won't be enough. I went with him. He said I drive too slowy. Then we were there, he pick up one. A worker there helped us. He didn't had 1 arm. He worked there, helping people pick up heavy stuff, and he didn't had 1 arm. And sometimes I complain I'm tired, and I'm too weak. Be thankful for what you are, and learn from who are equal to us having less.

I was helping my brother get the furniture in his car, and he said maybe I didn't needed another car... I thought of my nap.. Then he said, but I needed to be talking and annoying someone right?.. That made me smile, sometimes I feel he don't likes to be around me because I was annoying him. Then we went to another store, and brought another furniture. I stayed all day doing random stuff. Then I was on tumblr. And he told me, to come with him to print some stuff for my mom. I was like... okay. Then when we get in the car, he said something like I only asked because it were you. I smiled, he likes my company. Then we talked about different things. And I realized something I already knew. My family, not only him. All of them are so so so special. Everyone of them have something, that makes them unique and make me lucky. To call him daddy, mommy, brother, sisters... My family is a blessing, and I wouldn't change them for anything. And I don't know what I'd do without any of them. What take me to the people that had lost someone of their family. I really admire each one of you. If it would be possible I'd like to share mine. With anyone. The family will always be the most important, it's what made you who you are and where did you came from. It's the most special thing in life, you didn't choose them, and sometimes you might feel like you don't belong, but you do. And if they are not here anymore, you did. And they stay live in your heart, forever. Ohana.
My grandma it's going to be 80 in october, so my aunt it's making her an album with pictures of all of us and a personal message from us. My uncle had a dificult years. I know it's hard for him. But I know it's harder for my cousins. It's a whole story I won't tell. It just broke my heart when I read what my cousin wrote for my grandma. He is 15. He wrote something like "thank you for taking care of me and my brother, I miss you, I miss my aunts, I miss my cousins, I miss my dad. Thank you for always being there when we really needed you, you are a great woman." When they were little they came often to my house because their parents had weddings or stuff. So they stayed the night. I can't even imagine how they are feeling. They are 2 guys of 13 and 15. And sometimes I complain about something, I complain about how I feel with my family. I just want to see them, and give them a hug. I never thought they would had to deal with something like this. I hope they know I miss them too. And I will always be there for them. Stay strong, you are a fighter and I admire you both. Nothing last forever, problems are just for a while.

Self-esteem?

So I've been doing something on tumblr for a while.. that I message at least 1 person every day on anonymous, telling them they are beautiful and worthwhile, and trying to get their hopes and self-esteem up. I message people I know don't get a lot of compliments there. So I try.. And the other day I was on omegle with my best friends, we were so bored, and we were there.. and a guy told us.. you'll probably close it, cause I'm ugly and not like the other guys you've seen here... it honestly broke my heart and we told him all the compliments we could.. Then we were singing "What makes you beautiful" to every people we saw there.. There was this guy.. he got really ashamed, you should have seen at his face like.. "4 girls are singing this to me.." he was blushing a lot and smiling like a kid on a christmas morning. I stayed up for a while thinking in something... people do deserve compliments at least once a day. Sometimes when I message people on tumblr, people I don't know, or even I haven't seen, and I just do it anon. All of them.. ALL of them get so excited and say things like "wow this made my day" or "no one had ever told me something like that before". So I'm no one to talk about self-esteem because if you ask me if I'm beautiful.. I'll blush, look at my feet and say... yes? But why.. Because at some point in my life someone convinced me.. I was "fat", "ugly, "not good enough", "stupid", "emo". And a lot of more things.. But the point it's that who gave them the right to make me feel this way? Only me. Because I let me believe everything they said was true. I'm not saying a compliment will stop someone making this or that way. I'm just saying it could help at least a little bit. And at least for me a compliment make my day and make me smile. Compliment everyone and every time you can. You NEVER know who might be feeling worthless at some point. Who might be feeling stupid or not good enough. It's easy to say you're beautiful, you're not fat, you can do everything you propose to yourself.. But at the moment of saying that to you... That's when it becomes harder. That's why I guess every one should get and say a compliment every time they can. And I've been there, it honestly can change someone point of view on themselves. A beautiful person it's beautiful inside and outside. Don't let anybody make you feel less.

for-Ever

Ever, hace un poco mas de 5 meses que ya no estas aqui fisicamente. Tu sabes todo lo que te estan extrañando. Y todo lo que marcaste a la gente que te queria. Te voy a decir lo que me enseñaste. Me enseñaste a decir las cosas cuando tengo la oportunidad. No hable contigo mas de 5 veces. Porque? porque eras penoso, y si yo soy penosa tu mas. Siempre pense que estabas bien guapo, todavia lo pienso. Y fueron pocas las veces que hable contigo por pena. Al irte me dejaste algo bien claro, mientras las personas esten aqui con nosotros, diles todo lo que les tengas que decir! La pena no sirve para nada. Y me arrepiento de no haberte conocido mejor. Me duele lo que te paso, a tan corta edad. Porque todavia tenias muchas cosas que hacer, que vivir y tu familia y amigos te extrañan demaciado. Pero gracias por lo que me enseñaste sin querer. Cada vez que tenga pena de decir o hacer algo, va por ti. Por lo que no te pude decir. for-Ever, forever.
Te mando un abrazote de aqui al cielo! Nos veremos pronto.

Ever, it has been a little bit more than 5 months ago that you're not here physically. You know how much everyone are missing you. And all you leave in the people that loves you. I'm going to tell you what you teach me. You teach me to say things when I have the chance. I didn't talked to you more than 5 times. why? because you were shy, and if I'm shy you were more. I always thought you were cute and handsome, I still think that. And there were a few times that we talked because of shy. When you leave you teach me something, while people are here tell them all you want to say, you don't know when it would be late. it's not worth being shy. And I regret I didn't knew you like I wanted to. It hurts me what happened to you, you were so young. Because you still had so much to do, to live, and your friends and family miss you like crazy. But thank you for what you teach me without wanting it. Every time I get shy to say something or do something, it goes for you. For what I couldn't say. for-ever, forever. I send you a hug from here to heaven! I will see you soon.