Cuando lo tenía no lo aproveche, ahora que no lo tengo, lo necesito.

No, no estoy hablando de ningún hombre, tengo al hombre perfecto a mi lado. Estoy hablando de algo estúpido y materialista llamado dinero. Algo que muy pocos tienen que se llama oportunidad de estudiar. La mayor parte de mi vida hasta secundaria vivimos en un nivel socioeconomico medio - alto. La crisis llego a mi familia en el 2007, pero me afecto en el 2009, cuando salí de secundaria y todos mis amigos irían a la preparatoria en la que yo siempre quise estar, en la que mis hermanos mayores estuvieron. Fui a una preparatoria privada también donde no conocía a nadie e hice excelentes amigos. Empiezo carrera, no me gusto, me cambie de universidad y de carrera. Amo mi carrera, me gustan mis clases y me apasiona en lo que se que voy a trabajar. Sigue siendo una universidad privada, porque la publica no da la carrera que quiero. La crisis en mi familia esta cada vez peor, y por peor me refiero a las expresiones que pone mi papá cuando se necesita un gasto. Actualmente tengo buenas calificaciones, promedio arriba de 9. Necesito beca, la única beca o apoyo que me puede dar mi escuela es una beca académica, necesito promedio de 9.5.

Me gustaría muchísimo regresar a ese tiempo cuando estaba en primaria o secundaria, y tener mejores calificaciones, me gustaría volver a prepa y subir mi promedio. No aproveche las oportunidades que tenía, porque como cualquier "joven" o "adolescente" vas a la escuela a socializar, a hacer "desmadre", a volarte clases para ir por tacos... ah y también si te queda tiempo vas a estudiar, para que el dinero que tus papas con esfuerzo pagan valgan la pena. Si pudiera regresar el tiempo me diría a mi misma, "échale ganas, que el promedio que tengas ahorita te puede servir después". Porque ahora que amo lo que estudio, que doy lo mejor de mi, que tengo un buen promedio, no es suficiente para una beca, incluso aun cuando la necesito mas que nunca. 

Me gustaría poder ir con las personas que tienen dinero extra, que van y compran exámenes, que no van a clases y son compradores compulsivos de extraordinarios, me gustaría ir con esas personas que no aprovechan lo que tienen, esas personas que eran como yo, y decirles que me den el lugar que ellos tienen. Estoy segura que no soy la única, estoy segura que en todo México, en el mundo, hay personas que anhelan estudiar, que anhelarían aunque fuera acabar la carrera en 6 años. Me gustaría que los que estudien fueran los que realmente lo merecen y tienen ganas, los que se comprometan a echarle ganas.

Me gustaría poder ir a hablar con el rector y decirle que el me dijo "no le vamos a negar la oportunidad de estudiar a alguien que lo merece" y que creo firmemente que lo merezco, que no tengo ese promedio de 9.5, pero tengo ese promedio de 9.3 y que quiero mas que nunca seguir estudiando, y seguir mejorando, seguir avanzando. No quiero seguir metiendo media carga de materias, porque no quiero acabar en 6 años, cuando el plan por tetras es para que lo acabes en 3. No porque tenga prisa, si no porque tengo tantos sueños, metas y ganas de empezar, porque si Dios quiere también quiero estudiar una maestría. Solo quiero estudiar. No quiero ir a socializar, no quiero ir por tacos o un licuado, no quiero ir a platicar. QUIERO ESTUDIAR. Realmente solo quiero, seguir estudiando.

A sad and marvelous mystery

I just finished reading a book I really loved, the book was "The fault in our stars" New York times best seller by John Green. I bought it because I saw a lot of posts in tumblr saying it was the book of the year, and the best book they have ever read. I had no idea what it was about when I bought it. When I read the first page I knew I would love it, I won't say much about it, just that it was a story about 2 teenagers fighting cancer who fell in love. I cried a lot while reading it, because it's a romantic but sad book. I finished 3 hours ago, and when I finished I was thinking a lot.

I thought about all those people who live in fear of dying, people who are sick and they don't know if they will wake up or return from a trip. It must be terrifying knowing your life could end in any second, it must be scary to know you might die, and you might not have done all the things you wanted, or have told the people you love that you do, or have flown in a plane, or get married, or hold your kids hand. I thought about all the  sick people's loved ones, it must be a torture see them leaving even to a convenience store, and not knowing what might happen. It must be a joy see them coming back, even if they left for only 3 hours. It must be really painful knowing you will die and you can't do anything about it, and knowing someone you love will die and also you can't fucking do anything about it. Just wait. Just waiting. Just enjoying the last hours or days or months left, because you never know.

A war is about to start or already started in Siria, there are more fighting and wars in other countries, and sadly there will be more. It must be really scary living in a place when a bomb might drop in your house while you're sleeping, in your school while you're in class. It must be really scary knowing someone you love that lives in a place in war. It must be really painful seeing your dad, or brother, or boyfriend, or husband, or even mom, going away for a war. You don't know if they won't come back, and sure you know there is a possibility, there's a chance they won't make it for your next birthday or the next Christmas.

It must be sad being constantly reminding them how much they mean to you, because you don't know if you will be able to say it again. Not because you have to do it, but because you just want to say it 1000 times before it's too late.

I was thinking about these things when I realized something. You don't need to be really sick, or in a war zone to die. You don't need to have someone close to you really sick, or in a war zone, to attend their funeral.
You never know if they might be driving next to a drunk driver, you never know if the convenience store they went to, was being robbed and they got shot, you never know if they had a heart attack, you never know if these things might happen to you too.

We as humans are constantly trusting other people, people we don't know. You trust the other drivers they won't do something stupid, and you drive with other cars, with people you don't know or even see. You trust to cross the street when the light is red, because you're trusting they know that they can't keep going. You trust the pilot in your plane. You trust that the food you just bought won't kill you, because you trust that they have checked it before putting it in there, even though you don't see the people that did that, you trust them. You trust that the school your kids are, have good teachers, that won't let them get hurt, or run away, even though you don't see these teachers outside of school or you don't know the preparation they had you trust them  your most valuable treasures. You trust the architect that made your house that it won't fall down, even though he's not the one doing it, it's their workers. And you trust  those workers in every building you go to, even it is a old building or a new one, you decided to trust them the moment you stepped in there.

I'm not trying to say, "don't trust  anyone, live in a cave, but don't trust the cave". I'm saying people don't realize this, and people fear losing their loved ones when they see the danger close, when it is really happening all the time, in any moment. It could happen at any moment at any time, to you, to your loved ones, to a old man in Singapur, to a young lady in Italy, to a couple in Paris or to a kid in Chile. It could happen a September 11 in the world trade center while you're in a meeting. Or it could happen in Monterrey in a Casino, while you're gambling.

My point is, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, every time you can. Those 10 minutes you have to make a phone call, call and remind them how much they mean to you, you never know if it's your last day, or theirs, or if you will have them 10 years more or 70. In those parties with your friends, picking up your kids from school, you never really know what might happen next, and even though nothing happens, it will be a joy in their hearts to know that you love them. Take those extra seconds to help someone, to hug a friend, to kiss someone, to tell them how much they mean to you, because you never really, really know. It's a sad and marvelous mystery, that gives us hope of seeing them again, but fear of don't.

The little things, the big love.

No tengo ni idea de como empezar esto, creo que mejor lo voy a decir en ingles para que mas gente se entere de que amo a el mejor amigo del mundo.

I'm going to talk about the best person I know, I'm going to speak from the bottom of my heart how I feel about him. Truth is, I'm in love, like I've never been, I'm pretty sure it's the first time I'm in love, it's the first time I really love someone and I can feel it. Well this special guy that happens to be my best friend also happens to be my boyfriend. What can I say about him? I don't even know where to start.

I know where to start, I love his heart, his feeling are the most pure and honest feelings I've ever been close to, from someone apart from my family. It feels like a mother's love or a sister's love, so true and honest. I love the way he is passionate about the things he like, I love how big his dreams are. I love the way he hugs me, I love the way he hugs me tighter when I need it, even I don't say it. I love he always asks me "what do you wanna do?" even he knows I will say "what ever you want". I love when he looks me in the eyes and ask me a question, I love when he makes me look in his eyes so he can see mine. I love how much he take care about me. I love the sound of his laugh. I love when he makes fun of me and tease me. I love when he randomly starts dancing, I love when he randomly takes me to dance. I love the look on his face when he is ashamed, or he knows I am. I love how he always listens to my stories. I love he always has something to say. I love when he makes me laugh. I love when he talks about his family or Brazil, and how the spark in his eyes change. I love when he wants to ask me something and he is shy about it. I love that he always gives me the parking ticket or the movie tickets to keep them because he will lose them. I love when he looks at me with a "I want to kiss you" face. I love when I open the door of my house and I see him standing there. I love when he talks to my family. I love when he listens to my girl's problems. I love when he hears me complain a lot. I love when he helps me with homework. I love when I wake up and I see a good morning message. I love saying good night. I love talking about out future. I love seeing his old pictures. I love when he stoles quotes I say. I love when he is singing in the car. I love telling him how I will make our daughter's hair or what I'm going to give our kids for lunch. I love when he talks like a little kid. I love how he always find a way for me to hug him. I love the look on his face when he is being funny. I love when we are in a public place and I go to the bathroom and the face he makes when I get out. I love when he starts getting excited about something and he talks a lot, then he says he will shut up and keeps talking, I love the face he makes. I love when he tease me and I made myself the "sad or angry" so he will hug me and kiss my cheek, I love how it always works. I love when he kiss my nose. I love how well he knows me. I love when he listens to a song then he feels like if he was on tomorrow land and gets excited. I love when he starts talking about economics, even I don't understand a thing, I love seeing his excited face. I love that he is my best friend, I can talk about anything with him, I love when we laugh together and do random thing together. I love when he shut up's me with a kiss. I love when he hugs me when I cry. I love that he is my boyfriend and he always listens to me, he always makes me feel better, he always helps me, he always loves me. I love that I found the most amazing human being, and I love that he loves me as much as I love him. I just love him with all my heart, and I have no doubt that he loves me.

My love, I love you for this and a million more things, I want to love you for the rest of my life. I know I will.

Ohana

I don't know how to start this, I've recently learned something about people close to me, like my uncle, my aunt, my other aunt, etc. I don't know I guess I have a big feeling in my throat that makes me want to cry.

How can someone be so mean to someone you used to love, the father of your kids, how in hell can you be so mean to the man you used to love more than anything, how can someone be so mean till the point of not letting him see his own kids, how can someone be so mean to his kids, and not let them see his dad.

My aunt is sick, she almost died, she lost her leg, she is so better now, but she still needs to go to the doctor and medicines, how can someone be so fucking selfish to her sister, and tell my grandma to take the money she had spent in doctors of her heritage, how can you tell that to you mom, when you have enough money to shit money, how can you be so selfish when you know your sister will need it when my grandma will not be here, and you won't need it.

How can you take your 12 years old daughter to "testify" that her dad is mean and aggressive, when you see that she runs to hug him and she wants to spend the time she has with him, because she has 1 month without seeing him because you don't let them. Then she testifies and she just says "I don't want my parents to keep fighting".

It makes me sick, knowing that someone can be so heartless and do this kind of things, to his kids, to his ex-husband (even he's not with them anymore, they used to love them, and the reason their kids are those kids it's 50% because of them), how can someone be so mean and selfish with his sister knowing she needs it and you don't need it at all, how can someone tell her mother what to do with the heritage when they didn't earn it, my grandpa earn that money, my grandpa is in heaven, then my grandmother decides, not anyone else, it looks like they just want my grandma money, but why when they have fucking enough money for the rest of their lives.

I know there aren't perfect families, I know no one is perfect and we all are human and we make mistakes. But how can someone be so heartless with their own family.

It makes me so sad knowing all this things, I makes me so so sad knowing I won't babysit my nephews and niece anymore :( and I don't know when I will see them again, if they haven't seen their dad :(

Family are the first ones you meet, the ones that are always there and the ones you can rely on when you need it. When did families stopped being like this? or it has always been like this? I makes me so sad knowing this, and knowing there are 938129 stories, and 923894 divorces, and 98923 mean parents, and 3989434 heartless people, 894456 selfish people, etc. There are plenty of people like this, I'm not saying they are mean or not all of them, they just aren't good at making decisions. And even trough all these people, I'm the kind of person that believes that there are more nice and good people that mean and heartless. I still believe that, but still it makes me sad for all the people that have to live everyday of their life with heartless people.

At least I can say I love my family, and the ones I know I can rely on, the ones I trust, the ones I love the most, etc. are the good kind of people. I guess someday I will understand a lot of things I don't right now, maybe I don't ever want to understand, but I guess I need to accept it, and live with that.

Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten... I'm happy to know that at least I know my family will never leave me behind or forgotten. 

I used to believe that everyone had some piece of kindness and compassion

Today I read something that made me cry, something that hurt me so bad, even though it wasn't me, or my sisters, or my friends. I read an article about a place in México City, where women were raped and forced to work as prostitutes. The article was some kind of interview to 3 women that decided to talk about it, after it was closed and they were safe. They said that they have called them for a job in a restaurant, when they get there, they gave them drinks, then when they get dizzy they rape them, the owner, the guard guy, the waiter, etc. They get raped to see if they are in the conditions to work there, that means being sex slaves, rich people, politics, police man, people with power, go to that "bar", and if they feel it, they can rape the one they want. They hide them in a basement, they sleep 4 hours, they get drugged. If they are a good "businesses" they sell them for one night in a hotel to richest people and more powerful people, they are scared because they know that they paid so much that they feel like they own them. Girls not just from México, from Venezuela, Argentina, Colombia, relate that they hire them promising them enough money, and a job of just a "few dances". Once they get there, their life is over. If they try to escape, to call someone, to get help, they hit them, they threat them by hurting their kids or family, and in some cases they kill them.

And the story goes and goes. I've been knowing for a while that this things happen, not just in México. It wouldn't surprise me to know it happens in every country. But I will never ever understand, how someone could be so thirsty of money to do something like this, just for money. How someone could have the heart of kidnapping someone, rape them, take their freedom away, just so some stupid assholes can pay them and rape them, and "have fun".

I hate this so much, it made me cry. I hate this so much it makes me want to do something, it makes me want to help. But I don't know how. I feel so helpless it makes me feel stupid. I can't help imaging all the kids, woman and men, that are forced to this kind of things, the people that get raped and hurt by someone, just because they have so much money, they feel like they own them. How can I feel better, when the own government men are the ones that rape them, when this "powerful" people know about this and doesn't do anything, because they rather being quiet and keeping some of that money.

I've been investigating about this, and I've read a lot of comments that "they deserve it", the accepted a job in a table dance. But dancing is in fact very different that being raped, and being forced to have sex, being kid napped, being hurt physically and emotionally. It's just fucking different, and they weren't asking for it, how in hell could someone ask for that? The way they treated them was, is and never will be right, no matter what.

It makes me sick knowing about this, knowing that someone could have the heart to sell a woman, for money. Knowing someone could take someone freedom away, just for money. That someone could take some child innocence away, for stupid money. It makes me more sick knowing that government know this, and most of them don't do anything to help. People are so selfish that they are just interested in their own interests. These are the words to this, selfish and greedy; inhuman and ignorant; stupid and heartless; asshole and devil.

 Sometimes I get mad when my parents overprotect me, but when I read something like this I understand. And I wish it would never happen to me, or family, or friends, or anyone. I wish from the bottom of my heart, this could end, here and anywhere in the world.

http://www.eluniversal.com.mx/ciudad-metropoli/2013/esclavas-de-la-prostitucion-vip-en-el-distrito-federal-937522.html

Hola mi amor

Hola mi amor :$ solo te quería decir que eres un angelito, eres mi angelito :$ y nunca te voy a poder agradecer todo lo que has hecho por mi, tal vez me pasaron cosas que me dolieron y me hirieron mucho y cuando no puedo dormir esas cosas me vuelven a doler y las vuelto a sentir, y se que inconscientemente te duele a ti saber que estoy así y que me duelen de nuevo. Cuando estoy contigo es como estar con un angelito te lo prometo que se me olvida todo y me siento en el mejor lugar del mundo, gracias por quererme y cuidarme tanto, las cosas que pasaron ya pasaron, ya no puedo hacer nada no las puedo cambiar, pero si puedo cambiar la forma en que reacciono a ellas o a sus recuerdos, no puedo cambiar como me hicieron sentir en ese momento, pero si como me siento ahora. No voy a dejar que el pasado arruine mi presente, nuestro presente, y nuestro futuro. Te lo prometo que aveces lo único que necesito es que me entiendas, por que estoy segura que no se me va a olvidar y habrá momentos en los que voy a tener miedo. Cuando eso pase, te voy a decir abiertamente que me abraces, que me des un beso en la frente porque te necesito y te amo. No quiero que tu te sientas triste cuando yo lo estoy, porque cuando empiece a sentirme triste me voy a controlar, voy a controlar mis nervios e inseguridades. Y si estas cerca te voy a abrazar. Nunca olvides que siempre te voy a querer con cada pedazo de mi alma, y que lo ultimo que quiero es que estés triste, sobretodo porque yo lo estoy. Por eso te repito y te prometo, que lo voy a controlar, yo soy mas fuerte que mis inseguridades. Y mi amor por ti es también mas fuerte, nunca olvides que eres mi mejor amigo, mi novio, mi amor y mi angelito. Tampoco olvides que te amo con todo mi corazón y que voy a hacer todo lo posible para que siempre seas feliz. También quiero que sepas que si confió en ti, y confió en que todo eso que me da miedo no va a pasar, y que me amas tanto como yo a ti. No te voy a dejar ir. Por favor tu tampoco me dejes ir.

Bullying

I'm pretty sure everyone has heard this word at least once, and I'm also pretty sure that most of the people had talked about someone in their back, at least once... I always say "I don't know why I'm talking about this, or what I'm gonna say" but today I'm pretty sure what I have to say...

People often over use this word, and say "This is bullying" for almost anything. Like 1 week ago was the graduation of my little sister, she graduated from high school, and in the party they made like prizes for everyone like "the most intelligent", "the best couple", "the best dressed", etc. There was a girl that organized that, that changed them all in the moment, she gave "the most bullied" to a girl... in front of her whole family... She gave "the most dumb" to some other girl she didn't liked, and she also gave "the best couple" to this last girl, to her and her ipad. And she said, "because we all know she is forever alone, and no one notices her, just her ipad". I have knew all my life that in middle school, some kid kicked my brother, but this Saturday I found out, he was in the line, 2 kids grabbed him, and another one started kicking him in the stomach. My brother has always been too skinny and too small. Or I can say about the time when in middle school someone printed pictures of a giraffe and placed them on the locker of a tall girl. Or all the times I've seen cyberbullying on tumblr. Or that time in 7th grade when I heard 2 guys laughing about a picture of me as a baby, then when they saw I was listening they said that to my face. Or when a friend told me "You really are ugly", a "friend" and he wasn't joking. People often thinks bullying just comes from people we don't like. Or how my mother hates her name so much, for all the bullying they made her.

And I could continue telling numerous stories about me, my family, my friends and people I don't know. Bullying is something that always had been there, and I'm afraid it will always will. People often says "just don't listen to them", I swear if I knew how I would do it. People don't realize how powerful words are, if everyone knew how bullying ends sometimes, I'm sure people would think twice before doing it. I don't know how to end this, I don't think there's a way to stop it. But most of the time, and in most of the cases I wrote, the people bullying have bigger problems, and they don't know how to solve them, they can't so they try to feel better making others feel less. The guy that kicked my brother, his dad shot the guy his wife was cheating on, he shot him in a restaurant, it was on the news, and everyone knew. I'm not justifying what he did to my brother, it doesn't justify what bullys do to innocent people. I'm just saying that they might react different with a little of compression and with treatment before they do stupid things. Everyone has feelings, EVERYONE. Even Hitler had, but he wasn't treated, he wasn't loved, he wasn't accepted, and everyone know what he did.

I thought I would have a nice end to this, but I can't think of one. I just can't stop thinking that if everyone had love, if everyone had compression, a smile and a friend. The world would be a different place. If everyone knew how much words hurt, how much actions remain.

In 2009 in México City 190 kids killed them selves for bullying. And there were 13, 633 reports of bullying, just in that city. And this is just a city, and just a year. I'm afraid to keep searching. I just kinda wish it could be easily over. :C

Escribir por escribir es casi igual que hablar por hablar.

"Si no tienes nada bueno que decir no lo digas", pienso que es una frase que todos deberían de considerar y tener en cuenta que es mejor el silencio a comentarios inapropiados y estúpidos, igual mucha gente sigue hablando por hablar. Hoy me dieron muchas ganas de escribir algo, no sé creo que hay muchas emociones y sentimientos en mi interior y todavía no logro acomodarlas, o todavía no logro como ponerlos en palabras. Pero tenía ganas de escribir, pensé "Voy a empezar a escribir a ver si sale algo y se me quitan las ganas". No esta funcionando porque por lo visto estoy escribiendo puro mugrero sin sentido. Tal vez debería de empezar a escribir ese ensayo que tengo de tarea. O tal vez podría hablar de mi fin de semana. De mi nuevo tetramestre que estoy empezando. De mi nuevo trabajo. De Joao. De mi familia. De Oliver, el huevito de colibrí que encontré en mi patio y nunca nació. De México y su cultura. Igual podría hablar de educación. O de desastres naturales.

No sé, creo que todos siempre tienen algo que decir, porque al momento de estar sintiendo te dan ganas de expresarlo, y así como hay gente que lo expresa escribiendo, hay personas que lo expresan dibujando, hablando, con música, deportes, no sé. Todos tenemos una historia, y algo que contar, creo que el detalle es saber cuando y como, con quien y en el medio correcto. Espero que todas las personas que tengan algo que decir, tengan a alguien que las escuche. Todos merecen ser escuchados. Todos tienen una historia, el papel que tomamos en la historia de las personas que conocemos se define en como las tratamos.

Es el...

Cuando me di cuenta de que iba a escribir de esto, primero pensé que lo debería de llamar "1 de Mayo", después pensé y me di cuenta de que es mas que una fecha, es el principio de una historia, 1 de Mayo solo fue el primer día de muchísimos. Entonces, ¿1 de Mayo? Si ese fue el día en que Joao me dijo que si quería ser su novia...

Tenía 2 meses de estar saliendo con el, y estoy segura que el se dio cuenta desde el principio cuanto me gusto. 4 semanas antes lo conocí, lo conocí, mas bien lo volví a conocer y pensé, es el tipo de chavo que vale la pena, es el tipo de chavo que ni me voltea a ver. No sé ni como explicar como empece a sentir todo esto por el, tal vez porque al siguiente fin de semana lo volví a ver. Llego a mi casa para la sorpresa de tener un mensaje en facebook, "¿Tienes whatsapp?". No sé, desde ese domingo en la mañana empezamos a platicar y platicar, siempre he sido esa persona que no se abre tan fácilmente, y esa persona que no confía en casi nadie. Pero había algo diferente en el y estaba en lo correcto. Me deje llevar, siendo yo misma. Paso una semana y lo volví a ver. No estoy segura si le gusto, de seguro no. Mi mente e inseguridad no me dejaban pensar otra cosa, ¿por qué una persona tan maravillosa como el, podría tomarse la molestia de siquiera voltearme a ver? Creo que si le gusto, pero todavía no sé. El viernes iré a su casa con mis amigos, que también son sus amigos. No sé porque me invito, no sé como hablarle o como controlar mis nervios, no sé que me voy a poner, ni se que hacer para gustarle. Tal vez ya le gusto y es penoso como yo. Ya estaba en mi casa, yo solo hablaba con Estefy mi amiga y hablábamos de el; también estaba hablando con el, cuando me llego un mensaje suyo, ¿quieres ir al cine mañana? No me acuerdo la ultima vez que me emocione tanto por un mensaje así. Y así transcurrieron 2 meses de estar saliendo, de estar conociendo a esa maravillosa persona que todos deberían de conocer. No sé que hice para gustarle, no sé que hice para merecerlo. Pero se porque Dios me mando a un angelito como el. Porque a pesar de todo, a pesar de ser tan penosa e insegura, si de algo estoy segura es de la capacidad que tengo que querer. Una persona como el merece todo el amor del mundo, y aunque estoy segura que se merece a alguien mejor haré lo posible para ser aunque sea un poquito como esa persona que el merece.

1 de Mayo del 2013, 10:35 pm. ¿Quieres ser mi novia?

Creo que toda mi vida soñé con encontrar a ese alguien, que solo con verlo me hace sonreír, a esa persona que me puede hacer reír  a esa persona con la que puedo ser yo misma sin tener miedo a que va a pensar, esa persona que da los mejores abrazos en los momentos mas indicados (siempre), no puedo ni explicar como me hace sentir, me hace querer ser la mejor persona del mundo, me hace querer hacer todo para ver otra vez esa risa y esa sonrisa, esa persona que me enseña mas de lo que se imagina, esa persona que me hace querer subir el Everest corriendo si el quiere nieve de ahí arriba, esa persona en la que me levanto pensando y en la que me acuesto soñando, el es esa persona que te dan ganas de haberlo conocido antes, esa persona con la que te llevas tan bien, esa persona que mas que tu novio sea tu mejor amigo, esa persona con la que sientas mucha confianza de hacer, decir, lo que quieras, el es esa persona que siempre soñé, el es esa persona para la que hice esa carta hace mucho llamada "dear future boyfriend"; el es esa persona que tanto espere y por fin encontré. Es esa persona que entre mas lo conoces mas te dices a ti misma, es el.

Y me siento tan feliz de ser esa persona afortunada a la que el por alguna razón escogió. Voy a hacer todo lo posible para que estemos siempre juntos, para que nunca te aburras, para que cada día sea diferente, para que siempre tengas la confianza de decirme todo, para que nunca te sientas solo, para ser esa persona para ti que siempre este ahí.

¡Te quiero mucho Joao! Ya sabes lo que significas para mi, espero que, ¡nunca se te olvide! Gracias por ser un ser humano tan maravilloso, nunca dejes de ser la persona que eres. 

What if I died right now... What if I lived forever...

I guess it's a common thought, what if I died right now... Who would cry? Who would go to my funeral? Who wouldn't care at all? What if I did nothing with my life? What if I people don't remember me, because I gave them nothing to remember? What if...

I guess those are some of the questions I will never know, just like I will never know a bunch of other things. What I'm doing with my life, what I am doing so people will remember me? what I am doing to leave something good in people? What if the whole point of it, it's not that people remember what I did or who I were... Then what's the point of it then, doing it for myself? So I can leave for 80 years only for ME, then die and leave nothing here. What's the point of living and dying? Is it finding true love, getting married and having children? Is it making all my dreams come true? Is it living for others, like Mother Theresa? Is it just living... ?  Or just existing? What's the difference? What makes a person living his life or existing in his life. What's true happiness?

I guess I don't know this questions, because I didn't even knew how to ask. But what's really the whole point of it? Who really knows what's the point of life? Or what's the meaning?

I guess it will always be one of the biggest doubts of a lot of persons here. And I suppose everyone has their own answer too. What's mine? I'm almost 20 years old and I don't know what I am here for...

I might not know that, but I know what my dreams are...

I want to marry someone I couldn't get tired of being with him and someone I love with all my heart, someone that's also my best friend and my love. I want to marry someone I wake up next to everyday with a smile, knowing I'm the luckiest woman on earth to have a husband like him. And knowing there's no one else I'd rather share my life with.

I want to have kids one day, I know I will love them with all my heart and I will do everything to make them happy and see their dreams come true. I want to try to show someone what life is about, when they will actually show it to me without knowing it.

I want to be a teacher, more than teaching I want to educate. I want kids or people to learn from me, I want to at least leave something in them. I want to help every kid I have, that doesn't have the support and love they need, I want to give it to them. Because every kid deserves to be loved and to be encouraged in their dreams.

I want to make my dreams come true, I want to make the things in my bucket list.

I want to make my parents proud, I want to give in return at least a little bit of what the have given to me.

I want to still be friends with my siblings, and not having family fights. I want us to still be the strong and unite family we are. I want us to still be silly and still share moments and things.

I don't know what the meaning of life is, but I want to leave with a big smile and a open heart. 

Those things I'll never say

I've always been that shy, quiet girl. Of course I've never been the center of attention, or the smartest girl, or the prettiest and of course not the one with the best clothes. 

I've always been Sandra, jeans, converse and a t-shirt, and a shy smile. Of course I like to wear cute clothes when I hang out, but also I've never been the popular girl that hangs out a lot, so when I brought my clothes the last time, I brought a lot of clothes because I needed them and I brought, jeans, concert t-shirts, t-shirts, etc. And I do have some cute t-shirts, but enough to the amount of time I hang out. I never thought I would ever get the attention of someone I actually like, and actually have dates and hang out every weekend. 

And I know my sisters hate I ask them too much for their clothes. But I never really saw him coming, I never saw coming someone I would actually like to look like the prettiest girl even thought I know I'm not. But sure I will look better in their clothes, than in mine. Mine are for school. And I regret the amount of t-shirts I brought, but I can't change that. 

The last time I asked my sister something and she said no, because she was tired of me asking her things when all I brought was different kind of clothes. I started crying because I wanted to tell her how I felt, she had have attention of guys since she is 15. Not me. So I never thought I would need it, at least not now. I thought I would actually get that summer job and I could brought clothes there. But it didn't happened, I'm broke and I just have t-shirts I won't wear with him, because I know that I'm not pretty, and they definitely make me look less pretty. And I never cared because I felt comfortable, I never cared until I met someone I actually like and care a lot. And I just don't want to lose him, because I'm not pretty. 

But of course I'll never tell my sister's this. Because like always I'll be making myself "the victim". I just kind want they would understand, those things I'll never say. I guess that if I never say them out loud, nobody will understand. And of course I won't tell him, because he will say "I look good with everything", when I know I'm not. And I don't want him to know I don't believe him when he says I'm beautiful or pretty. 

Writers...

Writers are forgetful,
but they remember everything.

They forget appointments and anniversaries,
but remember what you wore,
how you smelled,
on your first date…
They remember every story you've ever told them -
like ever,
but forget what you've just said.
They don’t remember to water the plants
or take out the trash,
but they don’t forget how
to make you laugh.

Writers are forgetful
because
they’re busy
remembering
the important things.


I know that just because I write on a blog it doesn't means I'm a writer, but I really related to this, I felt like it described me.

"A letter to myself and anyone else that might need it"

I saw this on tumblr and I really thought I should had this here too. I really liked it and I hope I always remember this to myself.

87/365 - Drops Of Jupiter
a letter to myself and anyone else that might need it

The perks of being a wallflower

When I first saw this movie I ended up crying and happy at the same time, I had a lot of mixed feelings inside, but I guess one of the biggest one was how related I felt with this movie. I don't know why I felt so related if I've never been in those situations. I'm really shy and I do the same in class, even I know the answer I don't participate. When I'm around so many people I'm quiet, and I usually think all the things I write later. I have a few friends, but I know the ones I have are real. And how I ALWAYS look for anybody but me, I'd rather people to be happy than making me happy. And I have those thoughts too. Those kind of thoughts when you just start crying, remembering things you don't want to remember, and thinking "please stop, just stop" but they don't stop, so you look for an alternative for that pain inside. I know how it feels. I saw that movie again today, and even I don't relate to some of that things anymore, like the thoughts. I'm happy now, I'm making myself happy for me, not for others.

I remember like 5 months ago my mom asked me if I wanted to see a psychologist because she was seeing me "too sad for my age", I just said... "okay, yes" but that never really happened, and I'm much better now, and I know I learned things get better. You just need to hang out more often with your friends, go for a walk sometimes, sing really loud in the car, watch movies, brought clothes, meet new people, spend more time in green areas, give things for the people that need it, I don't know I never talked about that with my mom again. But I have to say I'm really proud of myself of that, because I guess I saved myself. That's why I like the quote "I'm my own hero" because I know I am. 2012 wasn't my best year, but I really learned a lot. Like what do I want to do, what makes me happy, who really cares about me, what I deserve, What I don't deserve. And seeing this movie again, after being really sad and now happy, makes me realize how times go so fast. I still relate to that shy guy not participating in class and having a few friends. I'm still a "wallflower". But just to that, because I'm not the person I was 6 months ago, I'm better. And I sure don't have the thoughts I had 6 months ago, they are happier.

I have flashbacks from time to time, that still hurt me and makes me stop for a little. But then I see all these amazing people in my life right now, and I know it's not worth just a second to stop. "because life doesn't stop for anybody." I'm happy to look back at the things that happened and realize all made me how I am and mostly made me stronger.

I had saved a draft when I fist saw the movie, with the quotes I liked or I related to.

• So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
• I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.
• If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.
• She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.
• Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.
• I don’t know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
• And the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.
• You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand. You’re a wallflower.
• We accept the love we think we deserve.
• I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.
• So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

I understand now...

I understand now why sometimes things don't go the way we want, it's because they really will get better.
I understand now why people leave and break your heart, it's because you deserve better and someone really special will come along and make you feel unique. It will not matter who were before or who broke your heart, because the person right now it's the best and nothing else matters.
I understand now why people keep on saying "things will get better", it's because it's true, thing do get better. You just have to believe it.
I understand now that you can miss someone that lives 20 minutes away from your house.
I understand now what it feels like when you're with someone and time just goes by so fast and you have no idea how or why it happened, you just want to slow it down and enjoy the moment with that person.
I understand now that you can miss someone in just one second.
I understand now that somethings are meant to happen.
I understand now how it feels to look at someone and really be fully happy, how it feel to look at this amazing person and knowing the way you feel is the same way he feels. I understand it now and it's one of the best feelings ever.

I'm not a failure

If I look back at the things I really wanted and I worked so hard to get, I would probably get disappointed because I didn't get most of them. But also in most of them I'm 100% sure I did and gave the best of me and all I could do. I've always thought that my biggest failure would be "cadena" (is kind of girl scouts), I worked so hard in my courses and I tried to make people like me, but still I didn't got in a higher level. If I think about the good thing about that it's that I learned a lot about team-work, camping and I made true friends. I was talking with some of them and they told me something I didn't knew and I sure wasn't expecting. One girl wanted me to work with her. It's kind of complicated to explain, but I worked so hard to get there. Every summer or winter when a camp was over I begged my mom to go to the end because I always thought "maybe this is my time". I always ended up disappointed and sad, thinking maybe the next one. Or maybe it's because I'm not funny as them or because I'm as social as them. But my friends told me she really wanted to choose me, but the older leaders didn't let her.. My friend told me she cried because she was so mad.. they got in a fight because of why they wouldn't let me.. At the end they had the last word, another girl got the chance, and that was my last camp. I always thought I failed so hard there, because I took all the courses and one includes making a big book, like a thesis and I did it.
But I didn't failed, because I made true friends, I learned valuable things and know I know that if I didn't got what I wanted it wasn't because my effort wasn't enough, because someone thought it was enough to fight for it. But in the end destiny had the last word, know I know it was the right one.

I'm not a failure because he quit, because I quit when he did. I never stopped trying until he did, and I realized I had no choice. It wasn't because of me, or because of how I looked or anything, it was him that made the choice to stop fighting for what I thought was worth the fight. Now I know it wasn't worth it at all. And I'm glad he did what he did because I finally realized I deserve better and I deserve someone that will fight for me, because I know I'm worth that.

Life really gave us valuable lessons everyday, some of them might make us feel sad, worthless, stupid and it might make us want to be someone else. But I have to believe that for every bad thing that happens a better and good one will happen next, so you can realize then why things happened the way they did. Whenever something doesn't go like I expect to, it's not a reason to be sad, it's a reason to be faithful that something bigger and better is coming. Here I am being faithful, because I know what my hard work and good heart will bring.