Thank you

In all my life I've had good teachers, bad teachers, mean teacher and special teachers I will remember. I don't think I could say something about the special ones, even they are like 5 - 4 idk. I will just said what my last english teacher did to me. He didn't knew how his words were getting inside me, but I owe him a lot. Maybe someday I will thank him, I'll say that he helped the shy, young and quit girl in his class. He taught me that I'm only young once. I need to do crazy things right now, or I will never make them. I need to be brave now, or I won't have anything to tell when I'm 80. I need to do things I wouldn't do in 10 years. He said that and 1 week after I donated my hair, to a cute little girl with cancer. I have always wanted to do it, but I loved my hair so much. It was the only thing I liked about myself to be honest. But when my sister said her teacher asked them for braids for a 6 years old girl that didn't wanted to get in shower because she was losing his hair I realized I need to do it. So I cut my hair. I don't like it at all, nothing, zero, nada. But it will grow and it's making her happy I guess. So that was his first lesson, he probably didn't noticed, but big part of it was thanks to him. So I won't tell the story about how broken my heart is, so the short version "Some Jerk, idiot, asshole broke my heart really bad, and I felt horrible. I've never felt this way. And I was I guess I'm still are afraid to trust anyone, not just guys. Everyone. And I'm scared I won't ever fall in love again, and nobody will love me again" So yeah I was feeling this way.. then the teacher told us to bring the lyrics of a song to class, then we needed to say our favorite part of the song and why. A girl said her song, and the part she liked was also kind of a broken heart. Then the teacher asked her something I don't remember, and she said "because I don't have a boyfriend.." So he told us something.. he told us that he had a girlfriend, and they dated for 7 years.. He really thought he would marry her and have kids with her, then I guess she broke his heart. And everything that happened to him since that, he blamed her, it was because of her fault... 7 years dating someone, seeing your life with her, then... it ends. He was really sad and broken. Then he met a girl, they fell in love, they got married, and their kid was born today. And he told us how happy he is. And how much he love her, and how much he thanks what happened in the past because if nothing of that would had happened, he wouldn't be with her wife right now.
So I thought okay I was really sad because that idiot broke my heart. What? Really Sandy, really? I'm better than that... I didn't had not even 1 year of dating when that happened. So yes, I might be sad right now. And I might be afraid and scared nobody will love me, but someone some day will love me. And will love me the way I deserve to, will love me back, will love me as much as I love him and will fight for me. So no more tears for that jerk, he is in the past. And that's where he belongs. I deserve so much better, and one day I will met him and realize why things happened the way they did. And I won't even bother looking back, because what I have in the present it's so much better, I might be scared about it right now, but I have hope. I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust again, I need to be myself again and someday someone will love me, right?

So to the few special teachers thank you. I do remember about everyone of them and they had their own story. But Mr. Roger thank you for giving me hope. And even I'm not in your class anymore, I'm not in school anymore, thank you for what you taught me. It was more than an english class and you did way more than your job. :)

Love the life you live.

I have no idea why did I wrote that name, I guess I will figure out in the end. I have no idea who reads this or even if someone does, and if you do why. I guess in a years I'll show this to my kids. Anyways so since I have no idea who is reading this, I have no idea why do you care or why you keep reading, but I'm going to tell this anyway. I have so many subjects in my head I don't even know how to write them. I'm going to start with last week.

So last week I told my parents I wasn't liking architecture.. I saw my grades.. really good grades. But they were good because I did my homework and projects. I kind of liked it. But since I started it wasn't my first choice.. So I had this feeling for like a month, but I didn't wanted to tell anyone. Then I talked to a friend I met on tumblr, and he opened my eyes. So I told my mom... Me: mom can I talk to you? Sit down Her: what?! Me: I'm not pregnant! Her: I know...  okay mom haha thanks. I told her, it made me feel a little bit sad when I saw her disappointing face, she said she always wanted to have an architect or a engineering. I started crying, and I told her "I feel like I'm disappointing you and my dad, and I'm sorry but I rather disappoint you them disappoint me" She hugged me and said, you couldn't had said it better, we're still so proud of you and you're not disappointing anyone. So I'm already out, and I'm starting education in january. In a different school, in the last one I liked that I was there in high school so most of my friends were there too. My best friends were there. But I'll still be friends with them.

Then monday.. I LOVE MY KIDS SO MUCH and I want to see them everyday. So I gave catechism for kids from ages 8-12 in church. We're 6 giving it, to like 15 kids. And I could be having the worst day of my life, like last monday I was having an horrible day. And just seeing them so excited and giving me hugs makes  my whole week. They kind of remind me of my little nephew dany<3 because he have their age, and thanks God he is not there, because I wouldn't even bother looking at the other kids. Okay no, I would give them the same attention, but I'd be hugging him all the time. (but he a story for another day) So they made me smile so much, and I love their hugs. I loved when this quit and kind of cold girl shared the candy she won, everyone were like SHE GOT TWOOOO! but she earned it, then she was like who wants from mine? Then we told them to choose one of us so we could guide them a little bit more personal, and I told a friend no one will choose me and 3 little princess said my name so it made me smile. It made me smile the 6 of us had
at least 1 of them. It was a good day with them.

Tuesday happy birthday to me. I don't know how to say this in a nice way, but it was the worst birthday I ever had. But it made me realize something.. who my real friends are. I thought that "you can count your friends with one hand" was fake, but no I think I have 4. But that's also another story, I didn't liked that day, I cried for hours and in the end I was just wishing it would be over. Thanks God it's over...

Then today... My grandma forgot about my birthday again :(, she forgot about the past 2 also. She is from the 25 I’m from the 23 so every birthday like 1 week before, she ask me what zodiac sign I am, and then she says we’re the same one! But when that day comes she forget about it, then we visit her every year on her birthday the 25 (today) and she doesn’t say anything. I mean on my birthday to be honest I don’t remember about other people it’s like it’s my birthday.. but she gives money and calls all my cousins and my siblings on their birthday and she always forgot about me :C

At first I was sad, okay I’m still kind of sad. I mean I know she is old. Today she turned 80. I’m happy for that she is such a blessing for everyone in my family. And she is one of the strongest and caring people I know, and she is so funny. I love her so much. So when I realized she forgot again I was like :C awe, but then I realized I turned 19, she is 80… She had a whole life already made, she is a warrior honestly. She has gone through a lot, and she is still fighting. I just love her so much, I admire her so much. And she is one of my favorites persons in the world. <3

mehh so love the life you live... I have no idea. I love my family. I love working with kids. I love my true friends. But do I love the life I live? I don't know, I'm not sure.

My favorite kind of love.

When I was coming home, I thought I definitely need to write about this. Then I thought about the name. And I realized my favorite kind of love, it's the love that has been always there... the love of my family. 

Today was the surprise party for my grandma, she will be 80 soon. So it was all perfect and planned I cried of emotion and happiness like 3 times, everyone was laughing about how many times I cried. I cried every time I saw my grandma started crying. So here comes the moment.. SURPRISE! I hope there's a picture of the face of my grandma in that moment. She just looked at us, at the decorations, and she just said...WHAT IT'S THIS?... WHY? hahaha your birthday it's coming soon! Then she hugged her sister, her only sister a 84 year woman, that never got married, never had kids and she lives in a town far away alone. They fight a lot when they are together a lot of time, but when they saw each other they hugged like best friends. Then she started hugging everyone, she saw my aunt that lives far away in CT, and she doesn't come often to visit. First time I cried... When I saw the face of my grandma when she saw her, she started crying. I thought about the love of a daughter to a mother, I looked at all my aunts, my mom, my uncle. And it makes me hope one day I will be hugging my mother or my dad because of their 80 birthday. I looked at all my family 4 daughters and a son, 16 grandsons and granddaughters, 2 great-grandchildren. Where I am gonna be when I'm 80? Will I have a big family full of love to give me? Will I be alone in a home shelter? Will I even gonna be alive? Then we started playing a game, we broke the piñata(a Mexican tradition) it was of a big 80. Then a Mariachi came. It's 3 people singing the birthday song and songs we want. They sang happy birthday, then they asked my grandma what song she wanted, she said in 1 second the name of a song. It was the song that  reminded her of my grandpa, he passed away like 15 years ago. 2 time I cried... When I saw my grandma crying. It must be really hard losing the love of your life, the dad of your children, your support all those years, your partner, your best friend. I know she misses him a lot, she had said it. She said I miss my old one.. I never got to really met him, I was young when he left. I wonder how would he be right now, what would he said about somethings... how proud he must be of some others.. This are the kind of things that I will always wonder. Another thing I wonder, when I'm 80.. will I have a lovely husband by my side? Will he be the love of my life? Who will be that husband?.. 

The guys kept singing, and my grandma kept crying.. 3rd time I cried She said I'm so lucky to have this big lovely family.. I'm so lucky to be this loved.. will I be that lucky? I know my mom will be, she is the best person I know, including my dad. But will I be loved by so many people? Will I be the heart of a family? 

Then we had dinner, then there was a beautiful fondant cake, we sang happy birthday. Then I was helping to take the dishes from the table, and I saw my uncle hugging my aunt crying, I just went by so fast and leave the dishes there. He has gone trough a lot, I can't even explain it. And he has done some things, wrong things. So that hug made me realize. You can make some mistakes, you can feel alone and lost. But your family it's there to help you, and even they don't show it sometimes they care more than anyone. Then we opened the presents, she had so so many presents. She said again, I'm so lucky to have you, I'm so lucky to be so loved. My aunt made an album with a lot of pictures of everyone, and there was a special page for one of us, we wrote a message for her. There's so much love inside that book, you open it and it's like old pictures of my grandma and my grandpa, then their kids.. then the special pages to one of us, with the messages for her. then more pictures of everyone, it was full of memories, full of flashback, pictures I didn't know they existed. And it made me smile, the value of 1 moment, of 1 day, of 1 Christmas, of 1 visit of my cousins.. Then seeing all together and realizing.. She's not the only lucky one... I'm lucky to have that grandma so special, so funny, so kind, so strong. I wish someday I'll be as strong as her. I'm lucky to have this parents full of love and support every time, those parents I don't understand sometimes, and that doesn't understand me some times. But they're always here for me, with a big hug and a klennex to wipe my tears. I hope one day to have a husband like my dad, to be a mother like my mom. Those siblings, so different from me, but at the same time so similar. So funny, so teasing, so protective, and knowing they are my siblings  it's the best feeling in the world, because they are the best. I hope one day I'll return what they have done. To have those cousins and aunts, to the ones I can share a laugh with, and understand the family situations we're going through. 

So I was coming home making a summary of the night. And I love my family so much. I couldn't have asked for a better family. I already have the best. And I know I'm lucky to have them. I just hope one day I will be lucky to look back in the past and realize what I've done, what I've made, who I've loved, and the people that are there because of me. And I will be crying because of joy, because of loving such amazing people. Because I succeed in life, because I have the most important and special, because of the love.