I dont know whats wrong with me lately that I feel everything way more personal. I dont even know where to start this without sounding mean or childish, anyway.
So my sister is getting married, her relationship is complicated because its not an usual story, so most of the people judges them, including my grandma and aunts. He is 20 years older and divorced, but he is a nice person, they look very happy together but...
At first I really tried and gave myself the oportunity to meet him, he is nice. But I started getting mad, Im mad that my mom adores him when she was so angry and scared when they started going out. When I say adore, I mean it, like the other day she almost jumped out of the couch because she heard they arrived, and most of the time she is talking to them. She has a group conversation with my sister and him...
There was a time where my mom would literally only talk about them, we could be in the car just the 2 of us and the conversation (she would do the talking, I only listened) would be about them.
And now he is kind of annoying because is literally one of those persons who "can do anything", like Icould be talking about fishing or violin or Africa, and he would know someone of he did somthing about that too, at first I didnt care, but its getting annoying, because he literally can do anything, everything is easy and he knows about everything. He has to be ALWAYS in the conversation, he wouldnt let someone talk without saying his opinion or comment too.
And he is 23/7 in my house. 24 would be too much... So most of the time I cant be in pijamas or without bra and go to the kitchen because he is coming.
Also like 2 months ago I was at a party, it was the party of a friend of my boyfriend Joao, and most of their friend were in middle school with me, and the daugther of him its my age and was in my generation... So they were gossiping about middle school rumors and somebody say "heyyy did you guys knew that the father of ------ is getting married with a very young woman????" I froze, I wanted to cry and to scream and to blame my sister, then I just heard voices saying like yesss, I heard... blablablabla, my head was spinning around and I was thinking please dont cry. Then a friend of my boyfriend said "hey, its her sister" he said it so they would shut up, but at that moment I felt really ashamed of that.
Adding that to the past months, I have a job as a auxiliary teacher in a really good school, I have good grades at collage, Im in paint and violin classes I payed for them, Im in a group that makes retreats for kids, my boyfriend is the most amaizing person with also a good job and good grades.
But recently I feel like everyone is against me, I feel like my mother doesnt love me anymore, or at least not like she did, I feel like she is ashamed of me I dont know why.
I feel really sad, because she is my mom I love her, but what did I do? I feel like everyone in this house is against me, and I dont know why, I really wish what I am doing wrong, I really wish I could tell my mom how I feel, how she makes me feel... But I cant and I wont because I know it would hurt her, so I keep it to myself even it hurts me. It hurts me knowing my mom would never love my boyfriend as much as she loves him, even I really feel he deserves it more. I hope when I get married my mom gets as excited as she is with my sister.
The father of my boyfriend said I was the daugther in law ideal, I felt really special when he told me that because I know my mother would never talk about me like that, I know she doesnt think that of me or Joao (even thought I dont know why because he is really unique, special and wonderful) I really wish she could treat him like she treats him, I wish for once she could feel proud of me, because even when way before this, my mother would only talk about my brother and his planes and my sister and the voulnteer she did.
I really wish with all my heart she could be proud of me, not only say it like all mothers say you look beautiful. I really wish I was better for her, just like for me she is the best mom... :(
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