"A letter to myself and anyone else that might need it"

I saw this on tumblr and I really thought I should had this here too. I really liked it and I hope I always remember this to myself.

87/365 - Drops Of Jupiter
a letter to myself and anyone else that might need it

The perks of being a wallflower

When I first saw this movie I ended up crying and happy at the same time, I had a lot of mixed feelings inside, but I guess one of the biggest one was how related I felt with this movie. I don't know why I felt so related if I've never been in those situations. I'm really shy and I do the same in class, even I know the answer I don't participate. When I'm around so many people I'm quiet, and I usually think all the things I write later. I have a few friends, but I know the ones I have are real. And how I ALWAYS look for anybody but me, I'd rather people to be happy than making me happy. And I have those thoughts too. Those kind of thoughts when you just start crying, remembering things you don't want to remember, and thinking "please stop, just stop" but they don't stop, so you look for an alternative for that pain inside. I know how it feels. I saw that movie again today, and even I don't relate to some of that things anymore, like the thoughts. I'm happy now, I'm making myself happy for me, not for others.

I remember like 5 months ago my mom asked me if I wanted to see a psychologist because she was seeing me "too sad for my age", I just said... "okay, yes" but that never really happened, and I'm much better now, and I know I learned things get better. You just need to hang out more often with your friends, go for a walk sometimes, sing really loud in the car, watch movies, brought clothes, meet new people, spend more time in green areas, give things for the people that need it, I don't know I never talked about that with my mom again. But I have to say I'm really proud of myself of that, because I guess I saved myself. That's why I like the quote "I'm my own hero" because I know I am. 2012 wasn't my best year, but I really learned a lot. Like what do I want to do, what makes me happy, who really cares about me, what I deserve, What I don't deserve. And seeing this movie again, after being really sad and now happy, makes me realize how times go so fast. I still relate to that shy guy not participating in class and having a few friends. I'm still a "wallflower". But just to that, because I'm not the person I was 6 months ago, I'm better. And I sure don't have the thoughts I had 6 months ago, they are happier.

I have flashbacks from time to time, that still hurt me and makes me stop for a little. But then I see all these amazing people in my life right now, and I know it's not worth just a second to stop. "because life doesn't stop for anybody." I'm happy to look back at the things that happened and realize all made me how I am and mostly made me stronger.

I had saved a draft when I fist saw the movie, with the quotes I liked or I related to.

• So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
• I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.
• If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.
• She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.
• Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.
• I don’t know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
• And the people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.
• You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand. You’re a wallflower.
• We accept the love we think we deserve.
• I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.
• So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

I understand now...

I understand now why sometimes things don't go the way we want, it's because they really will get better.
I understand now why people leave and break your heart, it's because you deserve better and someone really special will come along and make you feel unique. It will not matter who were before or who broke your heart, because the person right now it's the best and nothing else matters.
I understand now why people keep on saying "things will get better", it's because it's true, thing do get better. You just have to believe it.
I understand now that you can miss someone that lives 20 minutes away from your house.
I understand now what it feels like when you're with someone and time just goes by so fast and you have no idea how or why it happened, you just want to slow it down and enjoy the moment with that person.
I understand now that you can miss someone in just one second.
I understand now that somethings are meant to happen.
I understand now how it feels to look at someone and really be fully happy, how it feel to look at this amazing person and knowing the way you feel is the same way he feels. I understand it now and it's one of the best feelings ever.

I'm not a failure

If I look back at the things I really wanted and I worked so hard to get, I would probably get disappointed because I didn't get most of them. But also in most of them I'm 100% sure I did and gave the best of me and all I could do. I've always thought that my biggest failure would be "cadena" (is kind of girl scouts), I worked so hard in my courses and I tried to make people like me, but still I didn't got in a higher level. If I think about the good thing about that it's that I learned a lot about team-work, camping and I made true friends. I was talking with some of them and they told me something I didn't knew and I sure wasn't expecting. One girl wanted me to work with her. It's kind of complicated to explain, but I worked so hard to get there. Every summer or winter when a camp was over I begged my mom to go to the end because I always thought "maybe this is my time". I always ended up disappointed and sad, thinking maybe the next one. Or maybe it's because I'm not funny as them or because I'm as social as them. But my friends told me she really wanted to choose me, but the older leaders didn't let her.. My friend told me she cried because she was so mad.. they got in a fight because of why they wouldn't let me.. At the end they had the last word, another girl got the chance, and that was my last camp. I always thought I failed so hard there, because I took all the courses and one includes making a big book, like a thesis and I did it.
But I didn't failed, because I made true friends, I learned valuable things and know I know that if I didn't got what I wanted it wasn't because my effort wasn't enough, because someone thought it was enough to fight for it. But in the end destiny had the last word, know I know it was the right one.

I'm not a failure because he quit, because I quit when he did. I never stopped trying until he did, and I realized I had no choice. It wasn't because of me, or because of how I looked or anything, it was him that made the choice to stop fighting for what I thought was worth the fight. Now I know it wasn't worth it at all. And I'm glad he did what he did because I finally realized I deserve better and I deserve someone that will fight for me, because I know I'm worth that.

Life really gave us valuable lessons everyday, some of them might make us feel sad, worthless, stupid and it might make us want to be someone else. But I have to believe that for every bad thing that happens a better and good one will happen next, so you can realize then why things happened the way they did. Whenever something doesn't go like I expect to, it's not a reason to be sad, it's a reason to be faithful that something bigger and better is coming. Here I am being faithful, because I know what my hard work and good heart will bring. 

The day 365 of the year

So today is the last day of the year, people always say that a new year is a new beginning  Truth is that for me is just another day, you don't need to be starting a year so you can start a diet, start being a good person, stop drinking soda, etc etc. We've always been told that that's what the new year is for, on the last day you make a review probably it's what I'm doing, then the next day you start fresh and again. But you will be the same person, you will probably have the same dreams and your weight will be the same. So you don't need a new year to make new things, you can do something new and exciting every day. Every day can be your fresh start. Also the last day of the year shouldn't be the only one when you thank people for being there, when you thought about your lessons learned. You can do that everyday of the year. But what makes this day special then, if I can do those things everyday. Because a year ended, we won't ever be in 2012 again. And it's easier to look back from here. So what happened for me this year... a lot of things happened for me this year.
I worked on a gifts store for like 5 months, I loved someone, I graduated from high school, I got my heart broken, I met amazing people, I started working with kids I love, I started collage, I quit collage, I survived, I learned... If you look at it this way, it was just a year. But it wasn't just a year for me, I learned way too many things this year. I loved, I failed, I got mad, I cried of happiness, I got stressed, I got nervous, I got sad. So a year is ending and that is already in the past, I learned from the bunch of things that happened. And no I won't start again, I'm the same weird shy girl, but I can start again knowing that nothing lasts forever, I shouldn't depend my happiness on anybody, true friends are a treasure, family is a blessing, opportunities come in a blink of an eye and go the same way and I should appreciate people while they are still here. It wasn't one of my best years, I'm sure and I hope I will have better ones. But a year ended and I'm still here. A new year will begging and will feel the same, I can start making my own changes now.

A lot of people came in and go of my life this year. The ones that aren't here anymore, I learned that it happened for a reason. Your name in the book of my life is already written, but it's in the past. To the new people in my life and to the old people that stayed, I'm glad you're still here, friends and family are blessings and I'm thankful you were part of my 2012. Hopefully you will be part of my 2013 too!

I'm not sure if I can remember about all the persons that made my 2012 better, but I will try to. So Thank you all of you, for being a blessing in my life. Thank to the ones that believed in me, to the ones that were there for me, to the ones that made me stronger, to the ones I love. Each one of you made my 2012  better, even if you said just a words to me, even if you don't know me enough, you are here for a reason. Thank you so much! I hope you have a Happy new year :D

Mom, Dad, Mauricio, Gaby, Mony, Gaby B, Martha, Estefy, Adrian, Aldo, Fuzy, Tamayo, David, Max, Enrique, Lesly, Denisse, Ana Lucia, Marita, Pony, Isi, Daniel, Alan, Nick, Kevin, Kyle, Joanna, Mr. Roger, Vale, Chuy, Dany M, Dany R, Jessy, Alex, Karla B, Hector, Memo, Andres, Marco, Mariel, Ale, Erick, Sara, Chau, Yumi, Diego, Fran, Maria, Mely, Vrenny..

I'm probably missing someone, but I'm happily said you were part of my 2012, so thank you. Each one of you have their own story or what did you do, But thank you all. :D

It always starts with a phone call...

It always start with a phone call.. then suddenly you're there, dressing in black clothes walking slowly, you came in to see flowers but not in tables, flowers with names, and tables with kleenex. Then you see a kind of line to hug a special person, people are hugging each other and crying, saying "I'm sorry".

Life really does end in one second, in a car accident, a heart attack, a shot. Then you're no longer here, what happens next? You become a memory, you family and friends are still here, they are sad about it, they miss you, but life continues to them and you're nothing more than a memory, a loved one they lost. So make sure the time you are here it's worth, because that's what your loved ones will remember. Make sure you give them something nice to remember.

I don't know when my time will come, but when it does. I don't want to people cry about me, or feel sad. If I've ever touched someone's life, I hope they remember it and smile. I really hope they do.

To the persons I've lost, I remember about all of you with a smile. To the ones I didn't get to know a lot, I don't remember all the time, but time from time I do think of you. Even if we had a short conversation once, like kacho or I don't remember about you like Granny Elena. I have you in my heart, because I know you were great persons. I hope to see you one day again! <3

RIP Beautiful Angels
Granny Elena (1995)
Grandpa Toscano (1999)
Grandpa Rosendo (2001)
Uncle Marcos (2006)
Kacho (2009)
Ever (2012)

What is Christmas?

December it's my favorite time of the year. I like how my house looks all full of lights, being covered in a blanket watching movies, eating churros and hot chocolate, wearing hoodies and sweaters, I love watching Christmas movies, I love spending time with family I don't see often, I love having posadas with my friends, I actually like remembering about the fact that Jesus was born that day and in that way and why lie I like presents, I like knowing I made someone happy because they received them and I like receiving them. Today I watched The grinch and yesterday I watched Santa clause 2 and 3. So Christmas for me has 2 meanings:
1. The most important remembering Jesus was born in the most humble way to remind us you don't have to have the best to be the best. To remind us how much He loves us. Keep Christ in Christmas.
2. Being with your loved ones, Christmas it's not about the presents, it's about being with the people you love and sharing with them things that come from the inside of your heart. That's what it is about being with the people that truly loves you and cares about you, even you might don't have a present to give them.

That's why I love this time of the year, I wish every other month was like this. Full of love, and everyone saying it's the time to be happy, and the time to share what you have. Every day of the year should be time of being with your loved ones and giving them love.

When I'm going to be that lucky?

I couldn't thought of another name, but I'll start this with what happened yesterday. I was at work, and my job basically consist of being in the door of the restaurant asking people how many people they'll be and in a smoking or non-smoking area, so a girl was there in a table really close to the door, and since I get bored so fast I usually look at people or just stare at a point, I usually find something to distract myself. And she was there with her boyfriend, I've never ever seen that face, the expression and the face of the girl told it all, she was so so in love and the guy was the same, he was looking at her like if he was looking at an angel. I was just like... ugh happy couples, reminding me how alone I am and I will... Then I thought okay look at how happy and in love they are, I want that, I want to be that happy because my guy makes me smile that way, I want to look at someone with bright eyes like if I was seeing Ed Sheeran, and he looking at me like if I was a princess. So I thought.. they really need to know people around them can feel their love, so I asked a weitress for a paper and a pen, and I told them that. That they looked so happy, and that I wished one day someone would look at me that way and look at someone that way. And that they had gave me hope, that that kind of love exist and that even I'm not beautiful like her, maybe someday I'll find it. So thank you. so I wrote that and when they were leaving I was really shy and I was like hey.. and gave them the paper, I walked away as fast as I could because I'm shy. Then I was finishing there and my boss told me "you have a call" I was like w t f... who would call me to this number.. I answered like yes? it was her and she told me that if I could tell the person that gave me the paper that thank you so much.. I was like.. I wrote that. She told me that it really meant a lot to her, she thank me like 5 times and then she said "you'll find it too, I promise" what's your name? me: Sandra.. Okay Sandra thank you so much.. Thank you.. I hang the phone, and I was smiling a lot, I don't know why I wasn't expecting that I thought they would be like.. okay.

Another succes at work, one day I asked a couple if they would like a smoking or non-smoking area, he asked her do you smoke? she: no, it bothers me a lot.. him: me too, I'm allergic.. extra points to you ;) I thought.. okay first date.. They stayed there talking and talking for hours, they sat on a couch like one of the ones one in front of the other, the guy stand up to the bathroom and when he come back he was next to her, I thought awe they liked each other a lot..

I want that, I honestly think nobody is going to love me, because I'm shy and not beautiful. I really want that kind of love and I hope one day I'll have it, it's just that sometimes I lose faith when I thought, like really those kind of things doesn't happen to me, like I would love it. But I'm never that lucky.

Welcome to the third world

So I live in México and people usually come to my house to ask things, like clothes, food, etc. There's a poor neighborhood next to mine, so they come a lot. I was doing nothing using the computer, when someone knock on the door like 5 times. At first I thought... sigh 1 time would be fine... I opened the door to find 2 kids, they were like 8. The kid asked me if I had something, he said an apple, a banana, something? I broke my heart idk why if I had seen kids like this all my life, they always come. So I went to the kitchen took 2 oranges, 2 little boxes of cereal and 2 glasses of water. And gave them to them. Then I saw a woman and she asked me if I had clothes, and I told them the truth my mother hasn't take anything away. The kids were already walking away, when the boy turned back and said, thank you God bless you... I just said, God bless you too.

I don't know why, but when I closed the door I felt like crying. I see kids in the street asking for money almost everyday, people come to my house to ask for things and I've seen people looking in my garbage for things. I'm kind of used to see this. But I'm thinking since when it's normal to see starving people in streets, when there're so many rich people. Since when it's okay for a kid to work all day and walk to every house to ask for food, when they should be playing. It's not okay and I wish more people would see that. I wish people, powerful people would do something to help. It's not okay and it breaks my heart. :(
There're so many rich people here, the richest man in the world is Mexican, and there're so many people out there starving and homeless. I wish I could help but Id on't know how. :(